I’d like to think that I’m a good daughter, a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good colleague. I’d like to think that some day I’ll make a good wife, a good mother, and still be a good friend, a good whatever-I’m-doing. I’m a law-abiding, tax-paying, GDP-contributing member of society. Those aren’t small things. They are not to be dismissed. They are what keeps our world humming along. But despite all that…

The thing is, there is so much injustice and sickness and calamities in this world. It’s impossible to warp my head around it all. There are things going on that you think no benevolent God would ever allow. (But just because I think that, doesn’t mean God’s not there.. does it? That what I ask everytime I talk to Him…or Her). And I don’t think I can do anything to help – from global warming to genocides to cancer to Laotians who fought a secret war for the U.S. and are now forgotten by their once-allies. Or that anything I can do is so small that it really doesn’t matter.

Does one afternoon volunteering at a soup kitchen matter? Will carrying groceries in a canvas tote instead of a plastic bag matter? Does a $10 donation to Amnesty International matter? It adds up, right? If 10,000 people each donated $10 that would be a $100,000 donation. But instinctively it doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything except writing a pittance of a check (and getting my canvas tote dirty).

In so many things, I feel, you’re not in it to win it. You’re in it to try to stem the bloodloss, to whittle down the destruction before the next wave after unrelenting wave hits. (Not to suggest that steming the losses is not a noble quest – it is, but it’s just a quest that never ends. It’s just one more obstable course after the other.) Is that a depressing way of looking at the world? I don’t know… I don’t think I am unduly pessimistic (on a related note, I smile. alot).

At the end of it, I know that it doesn’t matter how badly I feel about something, if I’m not willing to take action on it. (And that realization makes me feel even worse). But I think that whatever action I take will be too insignificant to produce any sort of observable or lasting change.

There are people who devote their professional lives (many times at great personal cost) to help the impoverished, the down-trodden, the forgotten. That’s something I’m going to try to do better in 2008 – is to care more. Because I think I am too wary to care about the bigger things. What is the use of caring when you can’t make a change? Of course, how can I make a change if I don’t care enough to take action? And you see this cycle of inaction that I seem to have gotten stuck inside…

So I try to love CB the best I can, to nourish the relationships I have with Mom, my family, the best I can. To keep my friends the best I can. I try to be good for the people who are close to me, in my life. I try not to hurt the people I love. If that’s all I can do (and who really actually accomplishes that?), can that be enough?

Almost every day I see this homeless man while driving to work. He is always leaning slightly to one side, weighed down by a backpack slung over right shoulder. He wears an olive-green jacket and blue jeans. He smokes. His hair is a little long. I imagine him to be 40 or 50, although if he cleaned up he could probably pass for the lower end of that range.

Even in his current state, I can tell that he can be handsome.. in a rugged sort of way – someone you’d see in an old western movie. Every time I pass him by, I wonder, where does he go at night? How did he end up here? Where’s his family? Friends? Wife? I hope he doesn’t go hungry or cold.

There’s a saying in Chinese, that “as long as I have rice to eat, you won’t starve.” (I’m sure there’s a more poetic translation somewhere, but the basic gist is there.) Why didn’t he have someone say that to him? As long as I have a place to live, you won’t be homeless.

After a while I began keeping an eye out for him on the commute to work, and it’d brighten my day a little when I’d see him. I have no idea why.

Last night I decided to embark upon the ambitious project of culling, reorganizing, and editing my wardrobe.

I have a lot of clothes – too much, Mom always said. Now I don’t feel as if I have too many clothes to wear, but perhaps I do have too much stuff that I don’t wear. To make this process fairly painless, I’ve broken it down into steps.

1. Separate clothes into piles (this is probably the hardest step):

(a) Keep pile: Pieces that fits well, that I like, and that I actually wear. Take note of which items need special care (i.e. dry-cleaning, loose buttons, whites that needs to be bleached, etc.)
(b) Want-to-keep-but-never-wear pile: Clothes that I want to keep for sentimental reasons (stained sweatshirt with a giant Winnie the Pooh on the front? You get the idea), or because it should work (yet never quite look the way that I imagine it would).
(c) Donate pile: clothes that are in good condition but that I don’t wear for various reasons: the fit isn’t right, the style’s not me, etc.

2. Go through the Want-to-keep-but-never-wear pile again -

Ruthlessly edit to 4 or 5 pieces that I like. Everything else? Donate!

3. Put the Donate pile into some paper bags,

look up the nearest Goodwill Donation Center, and let my junk become someone else’s treasure.

4. Drop off Keep (special needs) pile at the dry-cleaner’s. Do laundry.

5. Organize closet:

Hang jackets, coats, and skirts. Fold and store sweaters and pants. (Incidentally, I like to have hangers that all look the same – no plastic or wire hangers – they ruin the shape of clothes. My favorite hangers I got from Ross – sets of 10 foam padded hangers for $6.99).

*** I have a small closet, so it’s even more important for me to keep my wardrobe well-organized. It also just nice to have a closet that’s neat & full of things that I love and wear. Might it even – just maybe – keep the shopping urge in check?