Our next story is from a reader in Northern California.. about how she fell in love (and the credit debt trap), and what she’s doing about it right now.
Have I got a money story for you.
It started when I was in high school. My boyfriend came from a family that wasn’t very well off and he didn’t have a lot of money, and I came from a family that was very financially sound. Of course, being young and naive, I thought that in order to keep him, I should buy him everything under the sun.
A couple years went by and I eventually opened a couple of credit cards, with him as an authorized buyer, so that he could have and build some credit. We racked up some debt, but it was nothing compared to what was coming. A couple more years passed, and we decided to move in together. All this took place before I got wise to the game and began to really read about financial health.
During our first year together, we stupidly decided to buy some new furniture for the house, which meant that we spent almost $1000 on the credit card. Then his car broke down, which cost $800 to fix, also on the credit card. Then the car was towed; the woman who worked there gave us some wrong information and long story short, we needed to pay about $600 in towing storage fees, in cash. Of course, we didn’t have that type of money so where did we go? To the *good* old credit card. Needless to say, we are now over our heads in debt.
I am a twenty-something working professional that makes pretty good money, and my boyfriend is working as a sales associate. We live in Oakland but work in San Francisco. We are both attending school (I am in graduate school for psychology and he is getting his degree), which means that in addition to the ugly credit card debt, we also have major school loans.
I can’t tell you how stressful it is to have overwhelming debt and I kick myself everyday about making those unfortunate decisions. It also brings a lot of stress into our relationship because our budget is so tight. We’ll fight because he’ll go and spend money that I’ve budgeted for a credit card payment on something trivial.
I throw as much as we can at the debt, but it just seems to never go away. Reading your blog, as well as blogs of other people who have been there, gives me a source of inspiration to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. We definitely have made a commitment to slay the beast together, so it helps our relationship that we’re on the same page about that. My boyfriend is trying to get a job that will start off at around 50k, and I am hoping that we can bring the monster down significantly before I have to leave my job or work part time during my internship / postdoc years. We’re working on it, slowly but surely.
Anyway, I just wanted to share my story as a warning to others about how easy it is to rack up a ginormous amount of debt in a small amount of time. Please be careful with those credit cards and live within your means!!
-Thanks for listening / reading.
MsBusyVee, thanks for sharing! Going into debt for a significant other (unless it’s “good debt” and you two are very committed, i.e., married) is rarely a good idea in my book.
Has any readers experienced something similar?
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m glad to hear you are still together. I have heard too many stories where one person goes into debt with/for the other, and then the other person leaves and they are slammed. It’s nice to see you are still a team.
R and I have basically merged finances and are on the same page with debt. We would never go into it unless we were buying a house or had absolutely no other choice in an emergency.
Even when buying his car we just used the cash we had on hand. (it was an emergency situation: the old car had totally died and he needed to get to work, so we didn’t have time to save a lot more than we had already in the EF) Shopping for a reliable car with a very fixed and pretty low budget isn’t easy. Our furniture has all been hand-me-downs, things we’ve found, or gifts.
I would be really scared to go into debt for someone else, and only very slightly less scared to go into debt with someone else. Heck, I’m scared to go into debt by myself!
Well Heeled, what do you mean by “good debt”?
I second L’s comment…SO glad you’re still together. Relationships are funny like that. I’ve made a few dumb decisions too, because like they say “money is no object” when it comes to making your significant other happy. Not that it does buy happiness, but its easy to forget that.
The good thing is that you’ve learned. Too many people go through life accumulating debt little by little, until it “sneaks” up on them 10 years later. You’re still young, and you’ve learned your lesson young. (That’s how I like to look at it…you have to find the silver lining!) Best of all you’re both making an effort to work together to get out of debt.
I’m not at the stage yet where my bf and I are making financial decisions together, but I know there will be a time when we will… and I’m kind of dreading it because I know he has debt. I guess I’ll just have to brace myself until then.
Best of luck Ms. BusyVee!!
MsBusyVee, thanks for sharing your story! Are you tracking your debts and debt payments? I just was struck by you saying they “seems to never go away”. If you’re not tracking them, it can really seem that way because progress is made slowly… but if you’re tracking them, hopefully you can see the gradual procession towards freedom? I hope so! I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, i’m grateful that i don’t have loans such as those to lose (i only have low interest educational loans, so that’s cool), and glad that your relationship has survived the scary times!
@ L@SpillingBuckets: Don’t know if this will match with what WellHeeled meant, but “Good debt” to me means debt that will have a greater payoff in the future. So, educational loans, or loans to buy a house you intend to renovate and then resell or rent out. That sort of thing.
I agree with Camilla, keep a record of your debts and you will enjoy seeing them decrease!
Well, I certainly have given away plenty of money to a BF before – it wasn’t on credit cards, but it still stung when he never managed to pay me back.
It was always for something justifiable of course – I paid his credit card bill when he couldn’t, so his credit wouldn’t get trashed; I bought him a set of living room furniture when he was about to lease it in order to save him the interest; I paid his attorney fee when he needed one when he was (totally unjustly) arrested for a DWI (I was in the car; he wasn’t drinking AT ALL).
We were both in college. I had money and he didn’t. My parents helped me out and his wouldn’t. So I gladly paid for everything, insisting (to myself and to him) that he shouldn’t feel bad and fully believing his promises to make payments to me until he paid every bit of it back.
I never saw a dime, of course. I finally left him because the relationship got so bad. Lesson learned.
Yes… ex of course. But he isn’t to be totally blamed, I enabled him
I was an enabler too. I lived with my boyfriend for 7 years before I dumped him. My ex had a part-time job and I “helped” out by taking over one his credit cards. I’m embarrassed to say that. I’m still paying it off years later!
Hi SpillingBuckets- I too can’t speak for Well-Heeled but I’ve heard a couple of decent definitions of “good debt.” The best is probably debt that other people pay….in other words, a business loan to buy equipment which customers will pay to lease or a mortgage on a rental property which tenants will pay monthly. The other definition I’ve heard of “good debt” is debt taken out to pay for appreciating assets, ie a mortgage on a home. This implies that bad debt is debt taken out to pay for depreciating assets, ie a new tv, furniture or vacation (the depreciation on that one is debatable, though). I hope this helps.
I am one of those who got slammed in the relationship. I am glad that you two are still together and are able to really work on the debt together. I am still smarting about the day I put him (#1) on as an authorized user. In the last days of our relationship, he bought a Sega Genesis, took another girl out to eat, and got some new Jordans. I was beyond pissed cause when I asked him about helping me, he did nothing. I had qualified for a loan but ended up claiming bankruptcy. He is now a IT person, with a home and a little girl. I did marry someone(#2) whom I thought would be responsible. He was a spender and I was the saver. He lost his job and relied heavily on CC. He even opened up a Shell card. We had to claim bankruptcy again but this time it was Chapter 13. We ended up separating. I moved into a studio apartment, and he moved in a rental home with is out of town fling. After 3 years, I paid the entire thing off cause he was in the hospital for pneumonia. His girlfriend and him decided to cash an insurance check and keep $13,000 for themselves. He use part of that money to divorce me. Good riddance cause he is her problem now!
Now I know what to ask a man before I really be involved: Are you a saver or a spender? What is your FICO score? Did you believe in been materialistic, or being comfortable? Do you repay your debts or do you run from them? Needless to say I am not dating…Bruised but not broken.
Two men + Two bankruptcy = A Smarter Me