Valentine’s Day + 6 years with CB + personal finance blog = 10 things I’ve learned about love, money, and myself!
10. I can have fun without lots (or harder, but still possible, any) money: So many of my happiest moments with CB are cuddling in bed and watching a movie on hulu.com. Hugs? Are free.
9. But I have to be more creative: When I have $50 or $100 or more to spend – having a fun-filled day is easy: theme park, museum, or dinner. Perhaps a trip to go kayaking or a weekend get-away. Having a $10-$20 budget means that I have to be creative about places to go.
8. It’s easy to say money doesn’t matter, but it’s not true: Money is like air – you notice how desperately you need it when it’s not there. And being together and broke in your 20s might be romantically bohemian, but being together and broke in your 30s or 40s often results in… not together.
7. It’s more romantic when the guy pays for dinner: I hope I didn’t just set feminism back 100 years, but it IS more romantic. Just like it’s more romantic when the guy opens doors, pulls out chairs, and walks on the curb side of the street (CB does this, and I absolutely love it).
6. Money reflects values, and it takes adjustment to see the other side: I love going out to eat. Good food = something worth spending on. CB loves electronics. So I try to be mindful of that fact. Dinner at Chez Swanky might be good enough for me to spend $40 on, but not for CB. So, I deal with it.
5. Fighting about money sucks: CB and I have had maybe one fight about money, which sucked.
4. Fighting about money isn’t really about money: It really reflects our priorities and expectations, both of which can be out of sync between two people. Money is just the conduit through which we express those feelings. It doesn’t help that feelings of self-worth, accomplishment, and all that stuff is wrapped in money.
3. I want a (fair, reasonable, executed-by-two-happy-in-love-people) prenuptial agreement: I just do. I did my high school presentation on prenuptial agreements – you can imagine the excitement in class. It makes me feel more secure. Does this mean that I won’t be as committed to my marriage? I hope not.
2. When I’m married, I want to have a dual-income household: We don’t have to make equal amounts, but each of us has to make SOMETHING (of course, barring layoffs and illness and such). It’s far too frightening for me to go without my own income, and it’s far too stressful to be responsible for the well-being of an entire family. My mom did that for a while, and I think that was one of the most stressful periods I’ve ever seen my parents in. Ever.
1. Underneath it all, I still believe in love, marriage, and (maybe) the baby carriage (and long-term investable assets and positive cash flow!): Despite a penchant for seeking out dissections and critiques of the modern institution known as marriage, along with dismal statistics about equality, divorce, and happiness, I still want to build my life with someone whom I love and respect. I still think we will be happy. Optimism? Still got it.
What are your 10 things?
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How much do you think a pre nup is worth? In theory, I think I’d want one, just to be completely safe. Throw in things that are totally out of character for either of us to do just in case (ie – if one person spends a lot on credit card while separated (or married?) in case of divorce, only spender responsible for debt).
But I just don’t think I’d spend $2-$3k on one, and I think they’d cost that. That is a huge chunk of my cash for something I think has a low likelihood.
Sorry to nitpick. The list is wonderful!
No need to apologize.
Your point is a good one. You’re right $2-$3k seems like a lot (and I’m not getting married anytime soon, so I don’t exactly know how much a prenup would be for two people with relatively uncomplicated financial situations), but here’s what my mom always said: Don’t miss out on the big money by trying to save the small money.
So even if the prenup costs $2k, it’s likely to be a tiny fraction of the money and headache it’d save you were the marriage to dissolve. So I’d probably rather put $2k on the table, set up something solid and fair, rather than wish I did in 20 years when there’s a death or a divorce.
I really thought a lot — a whole lot — about a pre-nup. My problem was that I had no idea what’s fair.
We could either make tons of money, either could stay at home with kid/s, we could be disabled and make no money. With so many scenarios, I didn’t know how I could possibly know what was fair.
I’d love to see your pre-nup thoughts in the future.
i agree with all the things you mentioned, although money does not guarantee happiness it does make it easier to find and enjoy. nice article
found your blog through the wordpress tagsurger, and i love this entry! i think everything you said is perfect.
I think chivalry is VERY romantic, and it’s always nice when the guy pays, and opens the doors! I also am VERY KEEN to make sure that the guy walks on the outside of the curb. I hate it when guys don’t. Though, I also hate it when girls hold the girl’s purses unless she’s in the bathroom or tying her shoes. So i guess I’m not full on chivalry (but then again, if they’re just walking and he’s holding her bag, i don’t think that’s chivalry, i just think the girl is lazy/rude).
And, I’m in law school in a marital property class, so we learn a lot about pre-nup.s I still think they can be fair and promote the love in a relationship when both people do it together.
It’s refreshing to see someone in love with all of the above. So, power to you!
Prenups for Lovers. Read it. I heard the author on the radio one night and have never forgotten it. A totally different perspective on the issue.
However, I can tell you, as a divorce attorney, prenups don’t always reduce litigation. Because, usually, unfortunately, prenups aren’t fair. But I think the honest frank conversation about money and death and divorce is only going to help your relationship pre-marriage. And understanding how the laws of your state treat property during marriage is important because it colors how people act and behave. So even if you didn’t get a prenup, the actual thinking about it and talking about it is extremely beneficial.
“You can imagine the excitement in class”
LOL! I can imagine, you must have been one precocious teenager. BF and I will be starting out together with basically nothing, so a prenup really isn’t for us. And I totally agree, it is INSANELY stressful supporting someone other than yourself, I’m in my final year of my degree (semester starts in a month) and really hoping BF remains employed and has a job throughout the year, because the alternative is too horrendous to contemplate.
Nice post! I especially liked #8 (something I constantly argue with myself about), and #2. Whenever I find myself upset about something the BF did with his money I stop and think, and 90% of the time its NOT about the actual money. Relationships and money are tough!!
I would also like to see another post just on pre-nups….you hear a lot of things about them (particularly when celebrities are separating) but its hard to translate that to what it would mean in a “regular” couple’s case.
I’ve been thinking of a pre-nup, Mr M actually suggested it. I don’t want anything laying out terms for after we’re married. Just something that documents what I own coming into the marriage. After we’re married it’s 50/50 all the way. But I’ve saved and invested for years as a single and I guess I want to keep those accounts to myself if somehow we split. Taking what I earned before marriage seems wrong. Is that prenup territory or something else?
I really like a lot of the issues you brought up here. I think being honest and considering things like #3 & #6 are important for any relationship. I don’t think being realistic bars you from being romantic.
Personally, I think you might reconsider #2 when faced with the reality of raising a child. (Assuming you do want children). Full-time childcare can be seriously expensive, and combined with the increased tax burden of a higher household income, the financial benefit might not really be that great. Obviously, it depends on childcare costs and earning power, but to me it makes so much more sense to take a couple years off to raise children. And I think it’s perfectly reasonable to draw some personal money off of a main earner’s income if you are staying at home. Being a mom should be valued financially in a family and this might counter some of the anxiety of not having an independent income.
Very interesting post! I did my own 10 things over at my blog.
This is a lovely post! And I love this line: being together and broke in your 20s might be romantically bohemian, but being together and broke in your 30s or 40s often results in… not together.
You’re 20-something, have been with the same guy for 10 years AND have have money saved in the bank. Can you be my personal life coach please. Thanks.
When I’m married, I want to have a dual-income household: We don’t have to make equal amounts, but each of us has to make SOMETHING (of course, barring layoffs and illness and such). It’s far too frightening for me to go without my own income, and it’s far too stressful to be responsible for the well-being of an entire family. My mom did that for a while, and I think that was one of the most stressful periods I’ve ever seen my parents in. Ever.
I think you’re taking the wrong lessons from this experience. I’m guessing that when your mother was entirely responsible for the financial well-being of the family, it wasn’t a choice. That is indeed very stressful. But single-earner families which are by choice are entirely different. In fact, they’re far less stressful than dual-earner families who are consuming more than either partner makes on their own. Those families are in great trouble if something should happen to either partner’s job, but the single-earner family has a built-in safety net – the partner without a job can get one if necessary and shore up the family’s finances.
And, if you marry the right person, I think you’ll conquer your fear of not having your own income as well. This one I am not going to guarantee you though. Unfortunately, “the right person” is a rare breed and only a minority of people are fortunate enough to marry one.