Personal finance, as we pf bloggers like to say, is just as much “personal” as it is “finance.” But where does the personal come from? Isn’t it a little jarring to realize that despite the fact that we grow up, leave home, and set out on our lives as adults, there are notions and beliefs that are ingrained in us.
Sometimes, we don’t even realize what they are, or that we have them… but those ties? Oh do they ever bind.
- Earning ability is a terrible thing to lose (or, I must work). I attribute this to my mother, who has a work ethic like nobody’s business, and her friends, who seemed to have disappointing marriages where they either (1) ended up as the sole provider, not by choice or (2) became unable to leave a bad situation because they were financially dependent on their spouse. Giving up one’s earning ability is a very big gamble, and from what I’ve seen, that gamble hasn’t turned out too well for many people.
- My financial responsibility to my kid includes college expenses. The influence? Again, my mother. Her view is that her responsibility as a parent is to provide the best “launching pad” possible to her child. I can’t scrimp and save as she has for my college education (though I will be eternally grateful that she did so), but I plan to save at least 1/2 of the college expenses for my child so that I can help him/her graduate with a manageable debt level. No matter what, I can’t imagine not giving substantial help. My mom will probably be disappointed if I didn’t at least make a concerted effort to help my kid pay for college.
- It’s not pretty to be old and poor. Apparently, the best way to encourage your child to be financially responsible is to impress upon her the dire consequences of being old AND poor. (Young and poor? No problem, work hard and save! Old and financially-secure? Enjoy your retirement. But old AND poor? Beware, beware!) Fear is a useful weapon, use it wisely. Because, let me tell you, it works! Those Louboutins are tempting, but they are no match for Mom’s stories of the unfortunate elderly who must reside in a poorly-run nursing home or be denied access to the newest medical treatments because they lack financial resources.
Those three are the ones that come to the top of my head. What are your “ties that bind”? Do we have any one in common?
No related posts.
Are you sure we’re not related? Sounds like our families are similar.
In my family, work ethic is all. Doesn’t matter if you make much money — most of my family lives in rural areas of New Jersey, so “cushy” jobs aren’t plentiful. You just have to work. And work hard.
So imagine how well I dealt with an invisible disability. In other words, I didn’t. For about a year, I was in pretty complete denial about the severe neurological illness — ie, its lasting effects on my psyche, having been on life support, etc. Then about three or four years of “partial” acceptance, where I acknowledged that I had severe fatigue but was sure I could find SOME kind of work around it that would support me. (Also would use the word “disabled” but then immediately qualify it: “But you know… not REALLY disabled. I mean, I’m obviously not in a wheelchair or anything. Just that I get really tired, really easily.”)
It’s only been in the last three or four years that I’ve finally come to terms (sort of, anyway) with the disability. I don’t wince to say I’m disabled. I don’t qualify it. Most importantly, I realize that I have value to others beyond my earning potential. (Friends, okay that’s understandable. But someone wanting to be a lifelong partner with me? When I can’t “pull my own weight”? Crazy!)
And my mom is completely terrified — nearly paralyzed really — by the idea of being old and poor. It keeps her motivated to get cracking on her retirement. (She finally got out of a bad marriage after 25 years. But that also means she can’t rely on his retirement funds along with hers.) Still, I don’t think she’ll ever feel safe. As it is, her part-time job is killing her along with some student work, but she’s convinced she “can’t afford” to quit it. She can. She’d just have to cut back. And it’s weird that she doesn’t realize that, given that she’s one of the most frugal people I know. The cutting back would be in her help to me and my husband and maybe retirement funds/charitable donations getting trimmed back.
I think she’s in the oldest trap of all: Forgetting that she can afford many things (and has been very low-income in the past, surviving quite well) even if she takes a pay cut. She has convinced herself she needs to give money to help people (and I appreciate it, certainly) and to save money to be “safe.” But will any amount of money ever be enough, with that attitude? I kind of doubt it.
My parents have a strong work ethic but didn’t instill much financial sense in me. I had to learn it on my own. For example they had saved nothing for my college education, wouldn’t seem so bad except my dad is a college professor and my mom works at a university! In a way I learned more about finance from my depression era grandma, who was always concerned about affordability, discounts and frugality.
Oh god. Read His’ posts about family over at Make Love, Not Debt. I’ve left plenty of comments there about filial piety and money.
All of the above, but only because my mother was never any of those things that made me realize I want to be her complete opposite.
My dad drilled a lot of financial advice into my head, mostly at times when I didn’t want to hear it. The thing that stuck the most is when I was 23 and had credit card debt and no savings to speak of. He said, “You need to have enough money to get out of town if you need to.”
As a somewhat transient young person, I internalized that. So I started saving, first for a bus ticket, then for long-trip gas money, then for a plane ticket…and now for enough to cover several months’ expenses if my job/relationship/health is compromised and I need to get myself together IN town.