Last night, on a lark, I decided I want to go out of town for a getaway this weekend. I thought it’d be a good way to get some R&R and go on a little adventure.
I bought up the idea to CB, who did not share my enthusiasm. Part of the reason is that I currently have more discretionary income than he does, and part of the reason is that I tend to do things more spur-of-the-moment than he does (but I still google for coupons, no matter how spur-of-the-moment! 
).
To be honest, I was disappointed. There goes the romantic weekend escape. I try to think about how I’d feel if the situation were reversed. Might I feel uncomfortable that my significant other offered to pay for the bulk of the vacation? Might I feel that the trip, on such a short notice, wasn’t well-thought out?
I might, and CB probably does.
The rule of personal finance is that you can’t have everything you want, every time you want it. The rule of relationships is that you can’t have everything you want, every time you want it. (Hey! They sound suspiciously alike…).
So, I’m trying to deal with this situation, well, in a constructive manner: acknowledge my disappointment, empathize with his situation, work out a suitable compromise that will be fun and budget-friendly, and then move on.
After talking about it, we decided to go for a day trip instead. The good thing is that this weekend just got MUCH cheaper. Still traipsing around the beach. Still kayaking. Still having fun in the sun. Just minus the two nights of hotel and the additional food expenses.
This little exchange just clarified what a messy topic money can be in relationships. And this is only one weekend that we’re navigating.
How do people do it with much bigger decisions – Should one parent stay home? What sort of protection will the primary caregiver receive in exchange for giving up his/her earning ability? What house to buy? Which set of in-laws will get more help? How should inheritance be treated? Should there be a prenup? What’s a fair way to set up a prenup? So many questions. So many minefields!
Share your experiences on money and relationships in the comments!
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I’m always the one to suggest weekend trips and such, and BF usually gets really quiet and tries to change the subject. He earns more than I do, but he also has more bills to pay than I do, which leaves me with more discretionary income as well. It also helps that I take advantage of my parents’ miles and such for plane tickets and hotel stays.
I am going to Hawaii next month basically for free, and I sense that BF is upset about it because he can’t go. But I really need to escape LA and work for a little while, so i’m not changing my mind.
Sometimes it’s hard…we come from different backgrounds, and just thinking of how we are going to manage our financial situations when we get married one day gives me a headache. My (typical) Asian parents will always support me no matter what, but they also feel that he should be able to step up, which puts a huge amount of pressure on him. Sigh.
Lots of big questions– I think that being open about finances and being on the same page is so important in a healthy relationship.
A little background: I was a grad student when we started dating, and after graduation landed a finance job where I make a salary equivalent to the BF’s (he’s been a professional for the better part of a decade and is getting compensated very nicely; not a slouch by any means). I have almost 6 figures of student debt, but that’s it for either of us.
While he teases me about being a sugar mama, I think my earning power has eliminated many potential financial stressors from our relationship, without being emasculating at all. It’s additionally allowed him to start his own firm, which is much more suited to working at home than my profession. We don’t have kids yet, but this move was made with them in mind… and while I would love to find some way to work from home in the next few years, I feel very lucky that my guy embraces the idea of being a future stay-at-home dad.
We keep investments separate for the time being; I put in an offer on a house in the SF Bay Area for investment income, and that was under my name alone. Unfortunately I was outbid, but when we buy a house we plan to live in, we’ll buy it together.
No prenup for us, for a variety of reasons (no significant assets, no inheritance, he’ll be staying at home).
For many reasons I won’t go into, he’s absolutely the One, but our communication about finances and planning for the future ensures minimal surprises down the road, and demonstrates our responsibility and commitment to each other. For all the men that claim to be modern, educated and enlightened, there are very few that can actually put it into practice… I’m glad I have one of them!
Me and BF went on a midweek getaway last night. Wasn’t the best though as he came down with a tummy bug shortly after we checked in – at least it was only for a night, and we weren’t too far from home. It really sucked though – felt like a bit of a waste as we didn’t get to do anything we had planned. I sense a new post coming on…
You’re right, there are quite a few land mines out there, but it’s a lot easier to navigate than you might believe. In your example with the big trip vs. little trip this weekend, after you’ve been married, had kids, settled the fights worth fighting and stopped fighting the fights not worth fighting, you’ll find that decisions like these become very small in light of the grander scheme. It’s seems you’re already making some good decisions by being sensible and sensitive to your partner’s needs.
By the way, the green monster of envy popped his ugly head up when I saw your plans to kayak….if there’s a more relaxing experience than ocean kayaking, I haven’t found it. Disconnected, free from the noise of life, out there in nature’s beauty…..wow do I need a vaca. Great post!
to clarify the end of my post: just a comparison to exes who were just ridiculously incompetent at many things, including personal finance. Not meant as commentary on anyone else’s significant others!
Kudos to CB for communicating his reluctance to spend more money on the trip; and kudos to you for figuring out an effective budget-friendly compromise.
Aww, look at you all grown up! I feel like a spoiled brat sometimes when I don’t get what I want. I completely understand what you’re saying. My BF is in school and would be pretty content just to stay inside every evening doing the same thing every night. I, however, have a job and love trying new things and being out with people.
Since we’ve been dating (long distance) almost a year it’s definitely been something we both had to adjust. He’s calmed me down and I know I’ve certainly gotten him out of his comfort zone a few times. I think the whole key is what you said, “work out a suitable compromise that will be fun and budget-friendly” and both can win. Sounds like you guys certainly are doing that for this weekend.
As for the other hard issues, we are only dating, but we both have marriage in mind and so we’ve touched on some of those topics in conversation. I don’t know if an official prenup is necessary, but certainly making sure both individuals are on the same page is very important before making a commitment like marriage, or even moving in together.
Great post! Let us know how your fun-filled day trip turns out.
Lately we’ve been balancing debt repayment with our wedding and buying a house and taking a vacation. Now that’s tough! We decided that the vacation and wedding are the priorities and we’ll figure out the rest later.
Takes time reconciling two financial histories. One step at a time
Seriously, not to be judgmental, but 5 years (?) into a relationship the money issue just shouldn’t be a big thing. If you’re really in synch and seem to be planning a life together, then talking about finances should be easy, and the “who pays for what” question really shouldn’t matter.
Admittedly, I’m only a few years into marriage, but the big financial questions (me working / him in grad school; buying a house; buying a car; helping family members / debt repayment plans / retirement savings) have all been easy. I think it’s because neither one of us thinks they should be considered “minefields”. Don’t get defensive or worried about it, and it won’t be an issue.