My mother is a towering figure in my world – I’ve always secretly thought that she can’t possibly be as whip-smart and determined and rational as I think she is… can she?
Fabulously Broke wrote an interesting post on stay-at-home mothers. The post got me thinking… I don’t quite know what to think when it comes to the “debate” on stay-at-home mothers vs. working mothers. Even though I see myself as a working mom, all moms just try to make the best choice they can for themselves and their family, right? Can’t we just ditch the guilt and get along?
My mother always worked, though she always made sure she can pick me up from school and cook me my favorite meals. We didn’t spend a lot of time together otherwise (although Mom DID sit me down and walked me through the calculations of prepaying a mortgage when I was in middle school).
I don’t ever remember wanting more time with her. I suppose it was because I was a fairly private child. I had my books and girlish secrets and I wasn’t a fan of heart-to-hearts. Too awkward and revealing. My thoughts were my own. MINE! (I was also really stubborn).
The only time I remembered missing Mom was when I was very young, when she went to work overseas for almost five years. I grew up with very loving grandparents who coddled me a bit (OK – a lot). Mom missed out on a big chunk of my childhood, but I have never felt bad about it.
It was always something that she had to do in order to give me a better opportunity. If Mom ever suffered any guilt over the situation, it didn’t show. There was no hand-wringing or second-guessing, at least not in front of her child.
As I grow older, I really think that that no-nonsense manner is the best way to act when a mother (or father, or both, as it was in my case) decides to work overseas, work domestically, or for whatever reason cannot spend as much time with their children as they’d like (or think they should). This matter-of-fact approach shows children that things, while maybe not ideal right now, will eventually be OK.
I think children are resilient and can adapt to most circumstances as long as they know that they are loved and wanted. Don’t introduce guilt or confusion or self-flagellation into the picture. Most kids will do just fine.
Forget Supermom. If I become a mother, I just want to be a guiltless mom.
You May Also Want To Read :
On a sunny weekend morning, as the whole day stretched out in front of us like a long embrace, C ...
Very long (but extremely interesting!) story about "Marie", who lives in Texas. She writes of fa ...
Or, at least, my mother's love. Mom called me last night and suggested and CB and I go to bru ...
{ 1 trackback }
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Sorry, but your link to Fabulously Broke is… well, broken. It ought to be http://www.fabulouslybroke.com/
Also, I liked your post. I wish I could come up with something more articulate, but a lot of the current motherhood dialogue seems to say too much about “right” ways to be a mother, as if they existed, context-free.
I think I’ll print that last sentence in banner form and plaster it across my walls if I decide to be a mother.
I can see how working moms feel and stay at home moms. My mom worked off and on, (paralegal work) but retired early as she got ill. I remember her going to school but having my grandparents around alot more than other kids. I never have resented my mother for any descions she made, I think alot of people play the working mom hype/ stay at home mom hype way too much. I don’t think theirs no right way to be a mom. I remember my mom teaching me how to be strong, value my education and work hard to become whatever I wanted to be. I am pretty sure that a working mom is what my future holds, at least part time because I would probably get bored. Plus, maybe not paying my way per say but contributing something to the household is what I can at least do. My good friend is a single working mother and her mantra is “Nobody knows how to be a parent. You do the best you can and see where it goes from there.” I think thats a nice one too.
I am a stay at home Mom & my Mom was a stay at home Mom. But I totally agree with you “all Moms are trying to make the best choices for themselves and their families” I am tired of the debate. Who Cares???? It’s just like the Breastfeeding vs. Bottlefeeding debate why does it matter if the baby was breastfed or bootle fed at least it was fed!
Great Post!
I think this is exactly what I want, but you put it into the right words to convey what I wanted to say.
Being a guiltless, no-nonsense “I do this because I love you”, is the kind of mom I want to be.
I am thinking about being a freelancing mom however. Working half the year, or the whole year and then taking time off here and there, kind of like what we’re doing now
My mom always worked but when I was younger she would leave early to be home by the time I got out of school. Once i hit middle school I was a latch key kid, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! My parents and I are very different and spending time with them is stressful to me. Having a working mom as a role model makes me more confident that I can do the same, she did pretty damn well balancing work and family. I never felt neglected or sad that my mom wasn’t home all day, I turned out just fine. For my own kids, staying home won’t be an option unless we want to live in a box on the street. I’m the breadwinner and I don’t see that ever changing. Mr Mom might be staying home though! Like you said, you have to do what works for you and your family, don’t let others judge what is best for you.
There’s a great YouTube video of Leslie Bennetts talking about the risks involved when someone gives up a career to be a caretaker. Here’s the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7GV_LY0f3U