The difficulty of making friends after college / graduate school has been a popular one recently. Like FB said, making new friends is hard.
Let me tell you a story of my trek into the friend-making jungle, which I think might be even more difficult than the dating scene. There’s the lack of guidelines and the impression that it’s easy for nice people to make friends. Also, there’s no good way to say to someone, “I think you’re pretty cool, and I’d like to hang out with you. Would you like to be friends?” while there’s a totally legitimate way to say “Would you like to go on a date with me?”
A while back, I met a girl, “Leia” through a volunteer organization. Leia was funny and smart and we hit it off pretty well. We had dinner at a great Spanish tapas restaurant. It was a wonderful night – great good, good conversation, plenty of laughter. I remember thinking how exciting it was that I’ve made a cool new friend.
A few weeks after the dinner I emailed Leia to set up another dinner / drinks. But Leia was busy. That’s okay. A few more weeks passed and I suggested something else. Again, Leia said she was busy, and didn’t really offer any alternative time we can meet. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I didn’t get the hint at all. I would touch base with her every month for 3 or 4 months to check if we can get together, and our timing just never worked out.
So several months later, at a used book store, I flipped through a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You. Voila – I got it! The signs are all there: She doesn’t want to go to a dinner – check! She never calls me – check! She’s always busy – check!
The conclusion? She’s just not that into me! (I know the book gets mixed reviews, but after that light switch moment I’m convinced of its power).
The realization left me feeling a little bummed, because I really did think we had a great connection and I thought I had found a cool new friend. Oh well. I guess she just didn’t feel the same way. (You can’t get the “let’s just be friends” speech if you don’t even want to be friends).
But at least now I have a funny story to share. Forget about dating and mating, there should more guides on tending and befriending. 
Because, as I’ve learned, it’s a jungle out there.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh man, I can relate. I feel like that’s something you don’t really experience in, say, high school or college where it’s easier to be casual friends and you’re always bumping into people and spending time with them that way.
Very interesting. It seems that either they want more from the friendship than you can give or you want more from the friendship than they can give. I have had many ups and downs with friends. It’s a minefield!
That is too funny! Friend dates. I think real dating is probably just as hard, but I haven’t done any post-college.
I find it hard to invest the time in the front end of friendships to foster a decent connection (I’m really not an instant connection type of person unless the chemistry is just right — it has happened before, and I love it, but it isn’t often). I have my own stuff going on already, but another part is that I know I’ll enjoy myself if I do [insert activity I always do with people I already know ] but meeting someone new is a little more scary and not guaranteed to be a success.
But from what i can tell, this is a totally normal “problem” and we aren’t weird for having it! (right?!)
Ugh, I can totally relate. It’s just so difficult making friends. There’s always co-workers…but the dynamics are just so different. I miss having girls I can rely on, girls I can gossip with, girls I can go out with and do girly things with like getting nails done, etc. After college, my circle of girl friends pretty much disappeared. They all went their own ways in separate parts of the world, got married, got kids. I’ll admit, I also get busy at times and don’t really make much of an effort anymore. It’s so much easier to meet guy friends than it is girls. I wonder why that is.
Yes, making friends is a million times harder than finding a mate… There’s a reason why my husband is my best friend, too. He’s really my only good friend. Then again, when I talk I refer to a lot of people as “friends,” but to me they’re acquaintances. I have trouble defining the two for me, but it’s easier to say “friends” than “acquaintances” in conversation. (And sounds less creepy to an extent.) Even me being in school doesn’t seem to help, and I’ve considered joining a sorority *just* to make friends. One expensive way to do it, though, and the cost is keeping me at bay.
I know exactly what you mean! I’ve found it’s even worse after you get married. I’m starting to become friends with one of my husband’s friend’s wife and it’s kind of scary. I want it to be middle school again where you turn to someone and say “let’s be friends.” And that’s that. It is seriously harder to make friends than it was to meet my husband!
Thanks for the link
Yeah. I’d agree with that. I must say, it’s difficult to tell someone: I’m sorry, it didn’t work out with us as friends
So you try to let the friendship die on its own….
OK, see, reading this made me feel really bad because I have a friend that I LOVE who has been wanting to get together (a couple times now), and I have genuinely been busy each time. Need to initiate plans soon…
I hear ya. Making friends is hard when you’re not in school.
It is such a relief that there are all these other girls out there going through the same post-college/grad school friend (or lack there of) issues. Finding new friends does feel like dating, but harder – how do you make the leap from acquaintance to friend?
Yes it does get harder making new friends after school and outside of work. For many reasons I chose to keep my personal life separate from my work life, but it does limit the friend opportunity. Many of my co-workers hang out together outside of work for example. Mr M recently tried craigslist strictly platonic section looking for new friends (his two closest friends just moved away), but without much luck. Most people were really looking for sex or dates, not friendship, and the one friend he did make I don’t particularly care for. I just joined facebook finally to seek out some old friends I lost track of, if you can’t find new ones, why not revive some old friendships that have been allowed to languish.
I can totally relate. I moved across the country a few years ago and have had a hard time making friends in my new home. The problem is compounded by my shyness. There’s always co-workers, but I feel it’s important to keep my professional and personal lives separate (and I just really don’t like the idea of having out with some of them outside of work–ick). My b/f is my best friend though and I do invest a significant amount of time keeping up with my close friends from home. I do have plans to move back some day but I worry that it’ll be weird because people have gotten/are getting married and have started/are starting families soon. Getting older makes all kinds of relationships so much more difficult to pursue and maintain.
Good story
I like making new friends, and I like this weird little blog world where we can all be blog-buddies without that in-person test-friendship thing to worry about!
That said, it is hard to make friends. And when you get a friend-crush, it can definitely be awkward taking that next step…especially if the feeling is not mutual. Good luck, and don’t be discouraged!
I live in Seattle and it’s sooo incredibly hard to make friends with native Seattle-ites (I’m not a native). Most of my friends tend to be from other states and we always talk about how difficult it is to be friends with a native. They always do the “we should hang out sometime” shtick but when you actually call and follow up they ignore you! I’ve lived in Seattle for a while so I’m used to it but yes, it’s a lot easier to get a date in here than to find a close friend.
Very difficult to make friends who have your interests, say at the office or workplace or even neighborhood. I think that’s one reason blogging/on-line communities are so popular. You can locate people with whom you have interests, chat with them and possibly even establish a friendship even though you may be miles or continents apart. It’s not the same as hanging out in person, but its a good start!
Ugh, I am going through this so hard right now!
What makes things harder, for me, is that I have 2 fabulous sisters. We are really different, but get along so well. I’ve always had trouble making girl friends, and I think it’s because I just haven’t found anyone where the friendship is nearly as good as my relationship with my sisters.
I can relate, but I got even more worried after reading through some of the comments. Many people mentioned that it’s harder to stay friends once their friends get married/have kids, etc. I got married a few months ago and I feel that my single friends from before my marriage are giving me more “space” than I really need. I don’t know why people think a person doesn’t have any time for friendship or a social life after they get married. Married people (and I assume parents, too) need friends just as much as anyone else!
I love the connection you made from the book to your friendship. Sorry it didn’t work out. It’s not that easy to make friends even if you are in school especially if you are in competitive post-grad programs.
Meetup.com is a good way to meet new friends. This worked out for me. Also, attending some of my colleges alumni events.