This title came about because I remembered a conversation CB and I had.
CB told me that he would support me/us financially in our future life together, if I wanted him to. I was a little touched and a little surprised, but I told him no – as supportive (ha! pun intended) as that sentiment might be to some people, I would much rather that we support each other in all facets of a relationship (which definitely includes the financial aspect).
Then he said, “it’d be like we’d support ourselves.” And I thought, well, yes, but even better.
I think “supporting each other financially” implies a deeper degree of the partnership model than “supporting ourselves financially” – because two people can support themselves individually, but only if they become true partners can they support the relationship / the household they build together.
But just as importantly, supporting each other financially means that we preserve the ability to support ourselves if something were to happen. And as CB and I talk more about our attitudes toward money and our financial backgrounds (conversations that we’ve been having for, literally, 6+ years), it’s always interesting for me to see how our conversations evolve. Money has become a natural topic for us, and as a personal finance nerd, I am excited about that.
And honestly, am I a disgrace to all the progress that women have made if I thought his comment was kind of sweet? No, right?
What do you think? Is there a difference between supporting each other and supporting ourselves?
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Definitely not a disgrace to the progress women have made! I think his comment was very sweet. Anyway, the supposedly great thing about the women's movement is that we get to choose whether we want to be career crazy like our male counterparts or if we want to be stay at home moms.
I'm with you though. I want to be a part of supporting the relationship with D. I don't want him to bear that burden alone, and I actually enjoy working and getting out of the house to go to an office and contribute to our financial well-being.
BF tells me he won't propose until he can support both of us financially, 100%. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop working (no way!) but it's more symbolic. We both intend to work until retirement, even when we have kids. I refuse to be a SAHM, hands down and he's ok with that. Having him be able to support us entirely is not important to me at all, but he wants to feel like he can take care of us without any problems, no matter what. And that just warms my heart
BF has said the same to me – he'd quite like one of us to stay home with our kids and he's happy to support me. But he would probably make a much better SAHP…barring the fact that I'm not in an exactly lucrative field!
I'm not sure I'd be comfortable supporting someone else for a sustained period of time. I'd rather it be a partnership.
It was a sweet statement by CB, and there's no shame in being touched by it! Even if you wouldn't dream of taking time out of the workforce, it warms the heart to know that he would support your choice to do so.
You guys have thoughtful BFs. Maybe there was a point where my BF thought that but I was very adamant about never being a SAHM, so we've always assumed there would be a dual income household. I thought of Debt Ninja's recent article on supporting his future wife on only one income.
I think supporting each other is definitely the way to go as it does have a deeper meaning. It means not only tangible financial support but rather supporting each other's goals towards financial stability and wealth creation. Support could take the form of cutting back expenses if one partner decides to go back to school and there is a loss of income or something similar. I completely agree with you in that a true partnership can form from that.
No I don't think you are a disgrace to the women's movement. I think you just have a sweet guy!
I love this statement –> "I think supporting each other is definitely the way to go as it does have a deeper meaning. It means not only tangible financial support but rather supporting each other's goals towards financial stability and wealth creation."
Puts everything I've been trying to say but in oh-so-eloquent terms. It should be a new motto for financial partnership in a marriage or relationship.
Hubby and I both agree that marriage/relationships are a two way street. We both have to make money. If we're both not making money, then the one who is NOT making anything must take care of our little guy. Personally, I would not like it if my husband was making 100% of the money. I like to know that if anything were to happen to him or to our relationship, I would not have any problems finding work.
I love how you said that discussing money has become a natural discussion for you two. Recently I've been excited that my husband and I can talk about money in a calmer, less defensive fashion than we have in the past. It's only taken 12 years-ha ha.
I think you're not a disgrace to think your honey's offer is sweet. My husband supported me throughout my postsecondary education, and I appreciated it wholeheartedly. Now, we are discussing me being the main breadwinner as he considers an opportunity to become an entrepreneur. I see it that it's more about supporting each other in a personal/relationship sense and sometimes the practicalities of life mean that it becomes support in a financial sense. (Hopefully that makes sense). I figure that our roles as life partners means that you do whatever you can to make your life together fulfilling and satisfying for both parties. I am personally way more interested in my husband being happy in his work (e.g., to become an entrepreneur in this case) than have the greatner remuneration his current job offers.
I love having the choice. I once dated a man that said that I would not be able to stay home with children if I married him. It made me angry thinking that he expected me to financially contribute so that his lifestyle wouldn't be changed if he supported a family by himself. I also think I would go crazy if I was a stay at home mom. I just want the choice.
Well, I basically am supported by my hubby, so….. Haha. But I do work and go to school, though there isn't any real financial need for me to do so. (And now I'm stuck paying for my education because, well, it was mine heh. I felt horrible when he made my student loan payments in my unemployment before school down here, don't wanna do that again.) Funny enough, people are a bit shocked when they find out that it's my choice to do what I do. They always think I have to work to cover car payments…. Not true by any means!
Of course, this means that I have the freedom to do whatever it is that I'd like, as long as I can pay back my loans. So I'm figuring out what exactly I'd like to do, because I have his support in whatever I decide, which is awesome. Naturally, I'll continue to support him as best as I can. (And save up so we can legitimately afford the fun stuff!)
We don't talk about money very often (read: almost never), but we're not a point where we're talking about combining our incomes and such. We share the financial burden (we tally up and pay our shares of food/rent/etc at the end of the month), and take turns paying for things like theatre tickets, etc. All in all, things are pretty equal (and are salaries are fairly similar as well), and it works. I'm guessing that's how it will be, at least for a while, and that's fine with me. We both come from two-income households, and that's what we're used to. I would be lying if I said I didn't kinda sometimes dream about being supported on his income so I could be a stay at home mom someday though…I would love to work because I want to, and not because our (not extravagant at all) lifestyle demands it.
I once had a guy tell me that I WAS GOING TO STAY AT HOME WITH THE KIDS. FOREVER. That was a pretty crappy way to say that he was going to support us. It sounds like CB is saying, do what you want; I'm OK with being the main bread winner. He's giving you the gift of choice. I think that is very loving and admirable!
I think it was a very sweet offer. And I think there's a very big difference between supporting each other or just yourselves. The chances of two people in a relationship making the same salary are pretty slim. So if you were taking care of yourselves, each would spend from his own account, pooling resources for common expenses. (I know that works for some people, so terrific.) But saying you're taking care of yourself implies a degree of separation that just doesn't sound supportive or, well, entwined in a real relationship.
On the other hand, taking care of each other means considering it common money, to be decided on jointly. Even if you have separate accounts, you both know that, in a pinch, the money will come right out of that separate account to the help the other person. More importantly, you have emotional support in money matters, and you can coordinate bill payments and other such things.
Financial support in a relationship may pinch, but the fact is that a person needs all kinds of support not only financial but physical and emotional too. Financial comes into question because we earn it. Isn't that true!