Darling, I love you. Will you… buy a home with me?
Two of life’s greatest commitments, many would say, are buying a home and getting married. In the old days, usually couples would commit to each other then commit to a condo or a house, but times have changed.
A recent New York Times article talks about couples who decided to buy a home together before they get married, a decision that is partly driven by a favorable buyer’s market. What might be the right timing for real estate market still means more work for unmarried couples buying real estate together. They need to proactively address issues of equity, capital gains, buy-out provisions, etc., however, in case they separate later.
From the article,
Real estate lawyers say that there are more complications for unmarried property owners who part ways than there are for married property owners who divorce — and a less clear process for resolving them.
“By default, our laws are suited for married couples acquiring assets,” says Luigi Rosabianca, a real estate lawyer in Manhattan.
Deciding when to buy a home together is obviously different for every couple. Ideally, I would purchase a home with someone else only after we are married – the risk of something going wrong and then have to deal with complicated legal and personal issues should my partner and I separate is too great. After all, if I’m not sure I want to marry Mr. XYZ, I sure as wouldn’t want be taking out a several-hundred-thousand-dollar mortgage with him.
If I’m already engaged, however, and we found the perfect home at an unbelievable price and we are financially and emotionally ready to buy – well, then, it’d be mighty tempting, wouldn’t it? 
I gather that’s the situation that several of the couples in the article faced. But personally, I’d still want to get married first before buying a place together.
“We will eventually get engaged and get married,” Ms. Matthews added. “We’re kind of like, let’s get this apartment now, then let’s make it official.”
Mr. MacLaughlin said: “We were talking about getting married and I said, ‘Wait a minute, if we just put off the ring, we’ll get the apartment first.’ ”
And on that note, I think I’d rather have a bigger down payment than an engagement ring. Not to say a Tiffany solitaire wouldn’t catch my eye, but you can’t build equity with a diamond, even if it does last forever. Or, on a less financially virtuous route, I’d also rather have a bigger / longer honeymoon than an engagement ring. Think of all the traveling you can do for an extra $5,00o.
Would you and your partner legally commit to a house before you legally commit to each other? Or will you only sign the mortgage papers after you sign the marriage certificate?
image source: frontdoor.com
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I don't think I could do that, but I understand why some couples choose to do so. Honestly, buying a house with someone I might be married to scares me… the whole your money is my money isn't something I'm comfortable with yet. But if you've been living together with your significant other for years then I guess you might as well take advantage of the buyers housing market. If I were in this pickle I'd probably get married first (without the fanfare or ring, on the DL) and then know i don't have to worry about the legal problems of buying a house with someone I'm not married to. Still, it's kind of silly the entire legal system is set up for married couples (I don't really believe in marriage) and given that more and more people are buying houses without being married, the law should adjust to protect everyone involved with the purchase, in or out of wedlock.
At first I thought it would be insane to buy a house without being married, but people own homes without being married. I would apply the rules to cosigning a loan, which means you are totally capable of paying off the loan by yourself if your partner fails to, when it comes to buying a house together because selling a home is not that easy and foreclosure on your credit report lasts longer than a broken heart.
My husband and I bought our house together before we ever had plans to get married. When we talked about buying a house together it was specifically discussed that we didn't want to get married. Ever. We had the lawyer draw up a contract that detailed who would get what if we split. After living in our home for about a year we decided to elope.
Buying a home together before getting married can usually work if both partners are very clear about what their expectations are. If one partner really thinks that the house will lead to marriage and one partner has no plans to tie the knot ever, that's where trouble happens.
Definitely agree on the need for clear expectations – relationship-wise as well as finance-wise.
Nay. I definitely won't buy a house with someone until we're married. Too complicated for all the reasons you listed!
since marriages are not guarantees and neither are engagements (cause things happen whether you want them or not), I would not mind either way. that being said, if my boyfriend or husband, do buy a house for me, there'd have to be some sort of prenup or contract dividing the assests. Love yes but I also believe in Financial Independence – for better or for worse.
I think a contract for unmarried couples / roommates buying real estate together is definitely necessary. At best, it'll set forth clear expectations for both parties, at worst, it'll make dissolving the partnership that much easier, at least in the financial / legal sense with regards to the property.
Great question!
I guess I'm a little puritan in my beliefs in this regard and I would definitely not buy a house with someone unless I was engaged. (I also wouldn't live with them unless I was either, but I suppose that is my silly deal!)
If you're living together before marriage in an apartment that could be awkward enough when you break up. To add to that the craziness of trying to sell the house? Both live in the house? One person buy the house from the other? That is just insane. So without a verbal commitment of some kind (and a ring on my nice little finger) I say no. But engaged with the right house, the right price, AND the right financial situation between the two partners – SURE! Go for it!
And I would DEFINITELY want a larger downpayment than a fancy engagement ring. Whenever I browse the jewelry shops, the rings that always catch my fancy are $2-400, so I think I'm safe there.
P.S. I just realized that you are on my google reader but not on my blog roll, I'm going to rectify that now! =)
I wouldn't. Even though my husband and I lived together for years before getting marred, we did not buy a home. My reasoning was that life with a mortgage would have left us house-poor and we wouldn't have been able to save as aggressively and/or pay for our own wedding. We spent a relatively small amount of money on our wedding (about $3500), but we were able to save much, much more during those years that we lived together while renting. Also, buying would have meant a move to a part of town that we didn't necessarily want to live in during our younger years, because the parts of town we wanted to live in were out of reach for us as buyers, but very much within reach as renters.
We're in the process of buying a house now, and I'm so glad that we've timed things the way we have. We are moving to "THE SUBURBS" (oh no!), and while I would have looked at that as a sort of 'resigned to my fate' move prior to marriage, now I look at it as an intentional sacrifice that we're making because we know that it's the right thing to do (financially) as far as the longer-term is concerned. It's something we're doing for ourselves and each other.
I do think it's pretty funny that it is infinitely easier to get out of a marriage than it is to get out of a mortgage though. I mean, you sign ONE piece of paper to get married, but a bout ONE THOUSAND to buy a house. Kind of back-asswards.
My (now) husband and I did and have no regrets. We had been together for 5+ years when we bought our first house (and had been living together for a good portion of that time) We sold that house about 4 years later and bought a second house. We eventually got married (for other reasons), but it worked for us. We purchased the houses as "joint tenants w/ right to survivorship" and it was titled that way. We both contributed 50% to the down payment/closing costs and also paid 1/2 of the mortgage. If we had waited until we were ready for marriage we would have paid a lot more, as Seattle–in city was a super hot market at the time.
It worked for us, but you have to go into it with eyes wide open. We were also on equal financial footing, so it wasn't like one of us was paying the others way.
Once we got married we had the house retitled and merged our finances.
I know a few couples who purchased homes together prior to getting married and had no issues. I, on the other hand, would need to be married before signing a mortgage together. Not only is there a risk of the commitment being broken (even though this can and does happen within marriages), but there is also the more important issue of partner's rights should something happen to one partner.
Although, I would not purchase a home together prior to marriage, I am all for co-habitating…go figure.
I say Yay. I've done this, as I'm just not a rush into marriage girl. I've been together with my boyfriend for 9 years now, which is probably longer than many people's marriages. Of course, not every moment is perfect, but is every moment in a marriage perfect either. I think it is a silly idea for couples who have been together for a short amount of time (I will let other determine what this is), but for me it works. This is a touchy subject, because what happens to those who get married and divorce a couple years later. Who gets the house then? Still trouble, either way. I guess for those who believe their lives will be perfect once they are married, then wait. But the fact is, nothing is perfect. For me, it was a better decision to purchase. The b/f works from home, owning his own business. If we rented, he would also have to rent garage space, together which would cost more than the mortgage and in the end we would basically be giving our money to someone else, with no profit later on. But I'm just one example.
9 years?! Congratulations! I'm almost at 7. I love hearing stories of couples who have been together a long time.
I can definitely see buying before marriage working for some people (it might even work for me, as I will be completley OCD about making sure all the paper works are in order & expectations are on the up & up). I guess at the end of the day, like StackingPennies, if I am ready to commit to someone, I'd like marriage to go along with that commitment.
Congrats to you on 7 years! Doing great!
Wow, I can see I wrote my response in a sleepy phase, with all the grammatical errors. Glad you got the point.
Hmmm, I vote nay, but I have thought about going in on property with a friend. I guess I feel like the odds of a friendship ending in a messy separation are less than those of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship ending badly. I'm sure it works for some people though.
My partner and I have been together for over 18 years, and have jointly owned houses for over 13 years. We're not married and have no plans to be. Here in Australia, the law treats cohabiting couples very similarly to married ones so unless you're religious or plan to have kids together (we're not, and we don't) there is no logical reason to get married. A little unromantic I guess, but so be it! Engagement and marriage do not provide guarantees that a relationship will endure, just as not being married is no guarantee that a couple will split up. We have absolutely no regrets about buying property together … we love being home owners, and our home ownership has helped us become more financially secure. Just my two cents worth … Thanks for your interesting blog
Hi Karin, thanks for visitng all the way from Australia!
I think it's super interesting to see how different countries treat domestic partnership couples vs. married people – in the U.S. it's extremely difficult (and would take a lot of legal documents & money) to duplicate the benefits awarded to married couples.
I would only buy a house with somebody I knew I was going to marry (even if we weren't yet engaged). BUT I would definitely have a lawyer involved to make things go smoothly if something happened down the road.
Nay, for me, but I can see some special circumstances that it might work, and why it might be good for others. If I was ready to buy a house with someone, it would be obvious that I was ready to commit the rest of my life to them, and I'm the type that would like a traditional marriage to go along with the commitment.
"If I was ready to buy a house with someone, it would be obvious that I was ready to commit the rest of my life to them, and I'm the type that would like a traditional marriage to go along with the commitment."
Exactly how I feel!
This is a tricky one! What a thought-provoking post. I vote YAY! but would agree with people who have said you need to be more careful if not married that there are legal provisions in place to take care of both parties if something should happen. I am a bit cynical about marriage, so that is where my opinion is coming from. However, I would definitely not do this myself unless I had been with someone for several years and trusted them as much or more than I trust myself.
Thanks for checking out my blog! I agree with you on the trust thing – although there's trust, then there's trust with a $300K+ mortgage.
Well, I will vote for No. It will be way too complicated to handle.
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In 2001, my boyfriend and I bought a house together. The house was in my name (I'm more responsible), but we split the down payment and we split the mortagge (most of the time). We had been together for 2 years at the time. Once I realized he didn't believe in working (ha ha), I started saving all my money so that I could return his 1/2 of the downpayment minus the money he owed me for bills. On Jan. 01, 2003, I gave him the boot. I gave him his check and sent him packing. Luckily for me, I made sure I could afford the house on my own. I think that was key. I will never buy a house or live with anyone until I'm married. It wasn't too costly a mistake for me, just a good lesson learned.
So glad it worked out for you. I think the afford to live on your own clause is really key – we just never know how much our financial and living circumstances can be affected by relationships. Just curious – how did your ex feel about putting the house in your name but splitting the down payment & mortgage? Was that a source of contention?
He was an idiot. HA!!HA!! Actually, that didn't bother him at all. We weren't at the stage where we were talking about marriage and a serious future. I was tired of renting, and his roommates were moving in with their girlfriends, so I think he just thought it was the thing to do. Since he didn't have a lot of money (aside from the down payment), he wasn't really involved in the details of whose name was on it, etc, etc… He just wanted a garage to work on cars and a yard for his dog. When he stopped paying his half of the bills, I knew I needed to make my move and get him out of there before I would be stuck living in a house with no lights. HA! Again, I was very proactive about saving and knew what I had to do. My parents were worried for me, but they let me make my own decision. I told them that I knew how much house I could afford, and they let me fly. I'm almost done paying off my house, btw. It's great.
Also to add, moving in together and buying property together is a very serious thing. I didn't realize how much trouble I could have gotten into if he tried to sue me or talked to a lawyer. I was betting against him going through all that trouble because of his finances, and it worked in my favor. If I was dealing with someone who knew what was going on, I'm sure things would have been very different.
Sorry for the novel.
Nay for me. Too many things can go wrong in so many ways.
Boyfriend and I have been discussing this, and we're on board. We do plan on getting married, but why wait to buy a house (or more likely, a condo). Since the majority of the downpayment will come from his family's (gifted) money, it will be in his name, and we will split the mortgage. We will also draw up papers with a lawyer ensuring that he will always have the condo no matter what happens. I'm ok with this… because we plan on spending the rest of our lives together. And when we do buy a house, we will put it in my name, and we can still take advantage of the first time homebuyers tax credit (separate from the 8000 refund) because the condo will have been in his name.
Smart idea! I just got my IRS check. *happy dance*
I say yay. My husband and I bought a house together in 2004 (NOT a buyer's market) before we were even engaged. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, marriage or not, and it worked out well for us.
I would not want to buy a house together with someone if I wasn't at least engaged. Luckily, I bought my house when I was single back in 2007, so I don't have to worry about it. My boyfriend and I have talked about him buying a house or condo that we could later on rent out.
I do like to joke and tell him that I bought the first house so the next one (and likely bigger one) is on him!
Sometimes there is no choice, my partner and I bought our first house together in 2000, before same-sex couples had the option of marriage in the UK.