On Love, Marriage, and Settling
In 2008, Lori Gottlieb wrote a fairly incendiary article in The Atlantic called Marry Him! The Case For Settling. She has since parlayed that article into a book called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (which was also optioned for a movie by Warner Independent Pictures).
From her Atlantic article:
My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)
First of all – who is Lori Gottlieb to say that balancing the checkbook (and by extension, personal finance,) is not invigorating and fun?! 
But all joking aside – I found myself conflicted as I read this article. On the one hand, I agree that your priorities tend to change as you get older, and that if your stance if “I refuse to settle for anything less than perfection,” then, well, you’re probably going to end up disappointed. On the other hand, Lori Gottlieb makes such sweeping generalizations based on her very particular set of circumstances that she comes off, quite, well, rankling.
Lori Gottlieb seems to want a father for her child more than a husband (she became a single mother by choice in her late 30s/early 40s) – even though those are two roles often shared by the same man – it’s an important distinction. I think if a lady wants to have children, and she wants the father to live in the household and share in child-rearing, then that woman’s timeline for marriage may be very different from someone who does not want children. If someone is happy being childfree, then her timeline will be less constrained by biology.
But regardless if a person wants children or not, instead of exchanging a vision of Mr. or Ms. Perfect for Mr. or Ms. Good Enough, why not look for someone who is Mr. / Ms. Great For You?
If I find someone I love and respect, and he loves and respects me in return, and we are both attracted to each other, and find joy and laughter in each other’s company, and we agree on the broad contours of life (monogamy, children, religious beliefs), then I’ve hit the jackpot. I’ve found someone with whom to build a life and a future, and to say that I’ve settled is to spit in the face of romantic good fortune.
So I don’t call it settling if you’ve dreamed of a girl with red hair but ended up with a brunette or you’ve always wanted a man who is 6 feet tall but your beloved is 5’8″. It’s not settling if you wanted a movie star but ended up with an accountant. There is an ocean between falling in love with a flawed person (because, aren’t we all?) and having a relationship with someone who neither engages nor excites you (and, worse, with whom you always think you can do better), and I don’t think Lori Gottlieb explored that territory very well.
But my biggest problem with Lori Gottlieb’s piece, practically speaking, is this: if you think you are settling – even if the person you marry is smarter, cuter, wealthier, nicer, funnier (and whatever-er you want to add in there) than you are – you will act in such a way that says “I’ve settled.” You will try less, thank less, give less, and ultimately, receive less in this relationship.
It’s unhealthy to put your partner up on a pedestal – to expect infallibility from very fallible beings. But those little moments of “how did I get so lucky?” is necessary in a happy relationship. Those moments push us to be a better partner and a better person. They help us get over the little hurts and perceived slights. I don’t want to commit my life to someone who looks at me day after day and think, “well, I guess she’ll do. But really, I deserve so much better than what she can give. ” Does anyone?
Getting married (i.e. entering in a complex legal and economic arrangement with another person with the expressed intention of being thus bound for life) when from the get-go you feel as if you’re settling strikes me as an uneasy proposition. I don’t think such a deal will work well for most people. I know it won’t work well for me.
image source: amazon.com
You May Also Want To Read :
Everyone grows up surrounded by cultural paradigms, lenses through which we view or interpre ...
Darling, I love you. Will you... buy a home with me? Two of life's greatest commitments ...
The New Art of Alimony (Or, You Still Have To Support Your Former Spouse 25 Years After the Divorce)Revanche brought an interesting article to my attention last night... and we both agreed that it ...
20 Responses to “On Love, Marriage, and Settling”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Leave A Comment...
SBS Blogroll
Dog Ate My Finances
I Need a New JobSeptember 7, 2010
-
Well said! Couldn't agree with you more.
I completely agree with you! I've frequently told friends that their expectations were unreasonable, but I don't think lowering your expectations is settling. For instance, my friend A was fighting the urge to ask a boy out because he wasn't the muscular country boy she envisioned herself ending up with. I told her that as we age our experiences show us the qualities we always thought we'd want in a Mr. Right don't end up being as important. I used to think I wanted a tall man with bulging muscles, who was wealthy. I dated a few guys like that in high school and realized… Being kind-hearted with a good sense of humor and a nice level of ambition were things that were more important to me than all the money and muscles in the world.
When I was in my 20s – I wanted the hot guy. As I matured, I decided that if he could fix things (computers, plumbing, etc) that's a gold mine right there! In all seriousness, we are poisoned by fairy tales and when they don't come true, it's a huge letdown. It's finding the balance that matters.
I definitely agree on the balance issue. I feel like I got really lucky on this aspect in my relationship. I can't imagine not having that sort of attraction in a romantic relationship – much less one that is supposed to be as permanent as marriage.
Excellent response to this (in my opinion) ridiculous-sounding book. I get what the author is saying – lower your standards from perfect Prince Charming with his trust fund and high-profile job – but she sounds so cavalier about a truly important aspect of life. As a child of parents who settled and now do nothing but fight, I maintain that it is better to be alone than with someone on which you've settled.
I think you hit it on the nail when you talk about the consequences of settling. A friend of mine 'settled' in order to have kids and she does not treat her husband well. She constantly acts like he is lucky to have her. Luckily for her, he was pretty desperate to get married and treats her like a queen most of the time. However, after many years, her attitude has strained their marriage. The guy seems to be getting tired of being treated like a servant.
Exactly. think about the other person – how demoralizing is it to realize you've been settled for?
I agree with you and could not have said it better. Why would anybody want to settle? I just don't understand. I am definitely not after perfection, but I am looking for that person who is in my eyes, perfect for me (flaws and all). I need there to be passion, love, chemistry! Gosh, otherwise I could just pick any Tom, Dick or Harry from the street and settle with them. No thanks!
My younger sister is 24, and I believe settled on the guy she started dating in high school. They don't seem to have the same stated values (religion being the main one). I think she was just so eager to be the first one married (she actually said that) and not end up single like her older siblings (we have two brothers; she was the baby by six years). I'm not too worried about her being unhappy, though. She's the prime candidate for someone who can settle. She's the type that lets life happen around her. She doesn't worry about too much or "what could be." She knew she wanted to be married and have children, made it her priority, and never considered further possibilities.
I'm 34, and I'd rather be single than to settle just to get the dream family. I'd like to be a couple, rather than two people who happen to live together.
I saw this woman on the Today Show. Very silly info. Settling is why so many people divorce.
Lori Gottlieb would argue that she would've preferred to be divorced than never-married because then at least she'll have an ex-husband to take the kids once in a while and child support. In her defense, perhaps she wrote that to generate controversy & sales.
Agrees!
It's irritating to hear that we should settle – settling should be the farthest thing from your mind when you meet that mister-of-your-dreams and want to get married. There shouldn't be a question as to whether you're settling or not.
Hi there, thanks for stopping by my blog. I agree with you – I think Lori Gottlieb is too flippant about consequences of settling, and that's a pretty big oversight to me.
Add me to the group that doesn't believe in "settling" for your mate. I think that this will result in unhappiness or worse long term. It's not fair to the other person either.
Do you watch Glee? Emma was settling for Ken. Luckily, he realized it and called off the wedding.
Wow, you really know how to deliver these words of wisdom!!
I think the author does have a point, let me share an example. A friend of mine married the boy she was crazy about since she was 13, but he didn't prove to be the man she thought he was. I think she served him with divorce papers a few days ago. She has always wanted a family and children but at 33 her clock is now ticking loudly. She wants to get remarried in a hurry so she can have that family and I don't think she's going to be quite so picky given her timeline. Any decent guy with a decent job will be eligible material to her. In her case Prince Charming didn't turn out to be that great, perhaps she had too much expectation and would have been better served by a guy who wasn't her dream guy.
Thanks for sharing the story. I understand that… and I think Lori Gottlieb does have a point – it's just that her point has been obscured by over-generalizations and heated rhetoric.
My personal disagreement with Lori may stem from the fact that I want to be chosen for me – not as my ability to be a potential parent or because my intended feels like he only has 2 more years to "close the deal", so to speak, and start having kids, and I'm really the best he can do under his compressed timeline.
Along the same vein, I imagine that a man would like to be chosen for who he is – not just because he's "decent guy" and has a "decent income" and can be a father.
I didn't read the whole article, but the the blurb you posted was pure BS. I don't settle when it comes to ANYTHING. Clothes, foods, travel, work, hell… mascara. LOL! Why would I settle on a man. If it's not in the cards for me to have a baby quickly with Mr. Good Enough, I'm sure there will still be plenty of babies and children to adopt when I get married.
I want to read her book now (from the library) and then send her a long response. UGH!
My parents settled and ended up divorcing in a spectacular finale during my junior year of high school. It involved: breaking and entering, theft, jail time, restraining orders, etc. Six years later my dad was ruled to be in contempt of court for violating the divorce agreement, had a warrant issued for his arrest, and spent the evening of his 2nd grandchild's birth in jail after my mother alerted the police to his presence in the hospital.
Needless to say, I've never considered settling to be an intelligent option. Luckily for me, I'll be marrying the man of my dreams this November.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! And wow.. you weren't exaggerating when you said 'spectacular finale'.