This post is a guest post by The Asian Pear for the My Honey, My Money series. AP is a twentysomething Canadian who is trying to find a balance between a healthy lifestyle and frugal spending habits to yummy food and fashion indulgences.
I am one of those people who will always know the current conversion rate of the Canadian dollar to the Euro.** I am one of those people who will always know which are the best phone cards, who are the best long distance carriers and who has the best long distance plans. I am one of those people who will always know the going-price for airplane tickets to go to Europe. Particularly Finland.
The reason is because my boyfriend, Bear, lives in Finland. And I live in Canada.
In May, Bear and I will be celebrating our 8th year anniversary together. All of which has been through long-distance. I wish I can say that having a long-distance relationship was simple and easy. In some ways, it is. In some ways, it is not. One thing for certain is that a long-term/long-distance relationship is NOT cheap.
When you’re dating someone traditionally, you take a lot of things for granted such as the act of conversation. You just simply phone that person or meet them after work. For Bear and I, things get a bit more complicated and expensive… When we first started dating, we were on instant messengers frequently. It was and still is the cheapest form of communication. Soon it wasn’t enough.
So we both went out and bought $70 webcams and $20 mics. We had trouble finding a suitable relay system and started using phones instead. This was even more costly. I had a land line but Bear only had a cell phone and finding a long-distance plan that works on mobiles is quite difficult. I remember paying $100 monthly bills often. Bear once had a phone bill close to $200 even. (Thank goodness we’ve found Rebtel since!) And that’s just the financial cost of conversation. Don’t get me started on our time differences and scheduling!
When you’re dating someone traditionally, you can give gifts and little tokens of affection. When you’re in a long distance relationship, the rules of the game change. You have to consider: how big is the gift, how much it weighs, will customs allow it through, how much the postage will cost and the type of postage. The first gift I ever sent to Bear was a package of homemade cookies. Not having ever sent anything abroad before, I did not even know the rules. A box of cookies ended up costing me almost $70 for air mail to Finland. My homemade cookies probably only cost $7 to make. Now I know better. Send light meaningful things. Send it 6 weeks in advance by surface mail. Nothing more than 500g optimally or 2kg at most.
Physically seeing each other is the hardest and the most expensive task. There’s a lot of planning and saving when it comes to a long distance relationship. I’ve learned over the years that money and time is a paradox. When we had time, neither of us had any money to make the long trip abroad. Now that both of us have (some) money, we don’t have the time.
From my personal perspective, not only do I have to save the money now for the trips but I have to ensure I have enough paid vacation days to cover it. If not, I have to request unpaid vacation days (and honestly? Who wants UNPAID vacation days?). A trip to Finland from Canada will costs about $800 – $1,200 CAD depending on the time of the year. Basically, this is a continual savings goal. As soon as I spend it, I’m already saving for my next trip because I miss Bear already.
I can’t complain though. I am very happy with Bear. He makes me smile despite the thousands of kilometers between us. I know I am lucky to have found him. Despite what it financially costs to be with him, I would say he is well-worth it.
Writer’s Footnote: For those of you interested, as of writing (February 13th), the Canadian dollar to the Euro is 69.86 cents.
Do you have tips for surviving long distance relationships without going broke?
image source: cyberlens.wordpress.com
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Best of luck in your long distance relationship. They are hard, but if they work, it would be wonderful.
Best if you find out if he is a SMB though (Super Motivated Boyfriend) to save any kinda heartache or pain!
I would LOVE tips to keep a long distance relationship from getting insanely expensive. I'm just dating someone across the country and it's killing me!
I'm so impressed that AP and Bear have lasted 8 years-DH and I couldn't take it after 1.5 years. He moved to where I was in school because we had had enough of being apart.
The webcams thing helped DH and I a lot while I was in grad school (I left 5 days after getting married, just to make the whole thing more pathetic). We also did a lot of e-cards in place of the little notes we used to leave each other. Beg AirMiles or flights from family for gifts (we were both in Canada, so this was more feasible than across the pond). We didn't buy anything for Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries-we just flew or drove to see each other.
Good luck to everyone who's doing the long distance thing now-it ain't any fun, but it can be done
Yeps – if I were in an LDR the gift budget would definitely be reallocated to air fare.
Great article, i've never had a 'long-distance' relationship, but I do admire your dedication! It can't be easy, that's for sure!!
Wish you both the best of luck!
Wow, 8 years in a long distance relationship…that's quite a feat! I hear skype or google voice helps lower the bills that regular phone service can rack up, especially with international calls. I know how overseas charges can add up…and checking the time difference so you don't call at ridiculous hours.
I've heard good things about Skype. Another affordable option is phone cards – we got 1,000 minutes for $20 for overseas call.
Actually, the best long distance service I've found is Rebtel's smart calls as it works with mobile phones. Skype charges WAY too much for international calls to mobiles.
This may sound silly but another idea for LDR’s is to play online games together. Yahoo has a lot of multiplayer games and even some less traditional flash games like Desktop Tower Defense offer online multiplayer. All that is free.
.-= Leslie´s last blog ..Weekend: February 12-14, 2010 =-.
Wow that is quite a long distance relationship. I'm impressed that you have been together for so long. Any plans to make it not so long distance in the future?
I was going to ask the same question. My b/f and I were in a LDR for over a year (I'm from the west coast and he was based here on the east coast) and then I decided to move across the country to be with him. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and a lifesaver in our relationship. During the year we were apart, we were always flying back and forth to see each other and it was expensive! The plan is that he'll eventually move back with me to the west coast. I'm not sure it would have worked out if both of us had decided to stay put.
Long distance is definitely hard. I feel for you AP. I live 4 hours away from my BF and that is hard and far enough. An ocean away and time zones, wow good for you! Any plans of you moving there or he moving here in the future? Any additional tips to make LD work?
II've done transcontinental LDR for several months at a time through the years – not anything like what Asian Pear has to go through, of course, but it was still difficult. But sometimes it's necessary so I guess just have to push through it.
8 years? Get married.
Every relationship moves differently.. whereas some couples get married after 2 years, some get married after 20. Or never. And it's all okay because different strokes for different folks.
I would say make the most of Facebook and email. Wow…8 years…that is a long time to be distant..have either of you considered moving?
I personally think 8 years is too long to be in an LDR! You've spent almost a decade with someone, but you have no idea if your relationship could survive on a day-to-day basis if you lived in the same city or together. I wish AP the best, but…I think he or she needs to make a decision about getting married and/or moving to one country or another.
To everyone who asked:
Bear and I met while we were young and in school. We were not about to quit school and move to another country. Bear was supposed to come over but recently, Bear's Mom has been quite ill as she's been diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. Unfortunately, things are not looking good right now. He is her sole caretaker so all plans are on hold indefinitely. I do not expect him to pick me over his mother.
And as for those people who talked about marriage, even if he was in Canada, that's a whole other issue which needs to be discussed as I'm indifferent to such an institution.
Interesting to see this side of long-distance relationships. I have only ever had experience with "short" long-distances (different state, couple hours at most)
kudos to you! this seems very challenging but I am sure worth every penny and mile (or km)! But I do agree with some previous comments: do you think you will move closer to one another in the near future?
Good luck nevertheless!
Not a big fan of this post. I agree with the comment that simply asks if your relationship survive the day-to-day idiosyncrasies of having a "real" boyfriend. Not one you see nightly or whatever on a webcam. After so long, and with every visit being more like a vacation, it would be hard to really know how you would get along in your daily lives.
I'd recommend packing it up and moving to Finland. Obviously if you're strapped enough not to visit that often your job isn't that great and if it doesn't work out, hey, at least you tried. Better to live for the day instead of waiting for life's course to play out and miss out what's really important.
When/If his mother dies, you can come back to Canada if that is the ultimate plan. Relationships are about sacrifice. Start doing it now if you're serious about this one!
LOL on the comments. I will concur with the other comments. We love skype and have the world plan where you can call most phones and cell phones in many countries for a flat rate. It's great. BUt, the plane tickets? That's another matter. I laughed at the "Ger married" comment. That would lead to some significant savings if you did that. But, marriage isn't insurance for saving money either. I don't know is what I'm saying, I guess!
Skype saved my relationship when I was away from my girlfriend for 4 months. It still sucked being apart, but being able to talk and interact with one another over video was great.
I still use Skype today and they're one of the best companies out there.
Austin @ Foreigner's Finances
Wow, 8 years of long distance. That's quite an accomplishment. I can see how the price can really add up. I've never been in a long distance relationship before. That's really cool that you guys are willing to do the work it takes to make your relationship thrive.
Hi, It's been 1 year that Im in the same situation (her in Finland, me in Canada), have you managed to move in together finally? how did you deal with the whole citizenship/permanent resident paperwork? any tips? I don't want my long-distance relationship to last that long…
write me at this email:
8ucuqjoaqjmhmjb@jetable.com
(real email with a proxy to avoid spam, valid for a month, it will forward mail to my real adress)
thank you in advance
I like the subtle style and sentiments of this blog. 8 years? Too punishing for this couple. Make a move and join up to re-test the passion and the proximal fire. If it doesn't work, then you've found a truth to move on from. Good luck and all the very best to you and blog readers. GD, Australia