Elizabeth Gilbert, of course, is the best-selling author whose 2006 memoir Eat Pray Love vaulted her on to the Oprah Show, TED conference’s speaker schedule, and the inside of various magazines.
She recently came out with her second memoir, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, which combines a fascinating look on the ever-evolving institution of marriage along with her personal questions and doubts about matrimony. I went to Barnes & Noble and finished the book in 2 hours.
Part of the book focused on Gilbert’s hesitations about the financial underpinnings of marriage – she and her husband (the Brazilian gem-dealer “Felipe” in Eat Pray Love) decided to sign a prenuptial agreement. Gilbert admits that in the past, she had a habit of financially supporting the men in her live, including the checks she must still send to her husband (I assume this is alimony / spousal support as they do not have children).
Naturally, this peaked my interest about her former husband. So just for fun, I googled “Elizabeth Gilbert” and “ex husband” and found this:
1998 interview by NPR’s This American Life (click on 38:00)
In this interview, you can listen to Elizabeth Gilbert and former husband Michael Cooper talk about spending their $10,000 nest egg on a lovely small wedding instead of the backyard affair that Gilbert had originally envisioned). The interview begins with Gilbert and her then-husband Michael Cooper sharing a childhood story that illustrated their differing views on money – Gilbert grew up in a household of thrift and constantly worried about money, while Cooper was much laisserz-faire about the topic.
When they were about to get married, Gilbert’s parents gave them a $10,000 windfall. Originally, she wanted to have a simple backyard wedding, then save the $10,000 windfall for the start of a nest egg. Cooper wanted a nicer wedding. They fought and cried and fought. But after much consideration, Gilbert realized that she would regret never dancing at her wedding, and so she and Cooper decided to spend that $10,000 on their wedding. Gilbert concluded by saying she would redo the wedding “even if it had been $100,000″.
Six years later, the marriage between Elizabeth Gilbert and Michael Cooper would be over.
I wonder if money issues had anything to do with the demise of Gilbert’s first marriage, and if she ever regrets the loss of that $10,000. Or if, in the aftermaths of an acrimonious divorce, $10,000 would seem like a small price to pay. The cynic in me thinks the latter – after all, at least they had a nice party. That $10,000 divided by two plus years of inflation probably wouldn’t amount to much in 2010.
For Gilbert’s marriage to “Felipe”, the ceremony was held in their home, with only immediate family members (and the dog) present. “Felipe”, the groom, made food for the reception. Gilbert had to remind him to take off his apron before they spoke their vows.
This post was featured in the 2nd edition of Yakezie Carnival.
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She talks a lot about the end of her first marriage in the first few chapters of Eat Pray Love (which I thought was great as an self-narrated audiobook). The main conflict seemed to be that she didn't want to have children or be trapped as a suburban housewife. I can't remember if she mentioned money conflicts, although she does talk at length about her ex's outrageous alimony demands and the long tumultuous divorce process.
That's interesting — especially as I'm getting married next month (OMG) and we opted out of a dance. It just wasn't realistic to do it in this area for a reasonable price. But I knew that I wouldn't be thinking about it, much less regretting it, the rest of my life. I'm not very wedding focused and I just know I would be ok with it. But some people really would miss it. Luckily T's parents insisted on a big thing in the midwest, so, best of both worlds I guess.
Sorry — totally focused on that one thing. I loved her first book but haven't got her 2nd yet.
I saw the movie Julie & Julia and loved it! I should really check out her new book. I'm sad to know that her first marriage didn't work out, because her husband's character in the movie seemed so supportive! I guess I'll just have to read her new book to find out what went wrong.
I think you're thinking of Julie Powell (who wrote Julie & Julia), she also came out with a second book a few months ago. Julie is still with her husband, although I think they both had affairs and had to work though their issues – Julie did this by working at a butcher shop and chopping huge chunks of meat (also the subject for her 2nd book).
In Eat, Pray, Love, Gilbert talks at length about how unhappiness was the reason for her divorce. She just didn't want kids or the lifestyle that her ex-husband envisioned for them. I think she also alluded to possible infidelity on her part. Anyways, I don't think signing a pre-nup during her second marriage is any indication of her "learning" her money lessons, but a reflection of how her view of marriage has changed since she suffered so much from her divorce and what she went through before she found Felipe. I mean, even the reason why she marries Felipe — so that he could get a visa to stay in the US — lacks of love. I'm not saying she doesn't love Felipe, it seems like for her, because she was burned the first time around, everything has become a formality. So she is doing the pre-nup and the small wedding not because she'll enjoy it, but because she feel she has to or else she'll suffer. My two cents…over.
Didn't Gilbert say she and Felipe love each *so much* that they are willing to get married?
After all they've been through, they are still willing to enter into an institution both had so much doubts about, because they wanted to stay together.
Many people sign prenups with second marriages because at this point they have assets to protect or kids or both. Especially if they've been through a divorce. Cause, yikes, that makes you wish you'd talked about this stuff BEFORE you got married.
There's so many reasons people get divorced, its unlikely the $10,000 nest egg/wedding expense really plays into it at all. After a six year marriage, that nest egg could just've easily been spent on big screen tvs, vacations or houses, and they still probably would've ended up divorced.
We opted to have a small wedding in order to save money and while I've wished to change things….I don't regret not going into debt for it. I love that we didn't screw up our finances as I think it would have really stressed me out to start our lives that way. I grew up a lot like Gilbert with money and I can't imagine that stress not having a negative impact on my marriage had we done it differently.
my marriage is now ruined because of this book and this lady twisting women’s minds and making them believe this stuff. you don’t have to settle for something that doesn’t make you happy and live in a trapped, suburbia type life. But going to the other extreme and running from all of your problems and leaving your perfectly good marriage is stupid. my wife broke up with me the day after reading this trash. we were supposed to join the Peace Corps together. but us doing things together wouldn’t follow Elizabeth’s pile of garbage, now would it?
[admin note: comment edited for language]
Similar story here! My ex was going through – what can best be described – as a quarterlife crisis. She was having doubts. Just days after she told me she couldn't do without me……she went and saw the movie. Just days after that my world came tumbling down……….And she did the same thing, went to the other side of the world, ate, prayed, and found what appears to be love……..(I can just imagine her thinking that it 'was all ment to be' just like in the film.)
Your wife left you because she was probably feeling empowered to make a decision she had long since been trying to make. "Perfectly good" does not a happy marriage make.
Feeling empowered. What a load of crap you just wrote Lbeezy. Marriage is work, and the Eat Pray Love and yoga live in the now nonsense is exactly what this society has become. Look out for number one, feel good about yourself, and the hell with whatever consequences come of it & who you hurt. Jetlink225 has my sympathy.
Great post! Really good insight. It’s always difficult to discuss finances and share money in relationships. Thanks for your advice. I recently stumbled upon this blog like I stumbled upon yours. I think they offer some good points and laughter about the topic: http://burisonthecouch.wordpress.com/2010/09/22/d…
Thanks for the post! I’d like to see more like it.
jetlink225 I'm so sorry for what happened to your marriage. Noone here has a right to judge why your wife did what she did. I just wanted to express my saddness for what you've went through in losing your marriage. I too know what that is like, & I hope that in time you will have faith to take a chance on love again, & have the blessed life you were intended to have.
Tell me about it. My wife read it three times. She said either I or she moves out. I said you. She packed and went left. I'm here with our two kids. What kind of person promotes this? I'll buy her the next book "committed"?
Elizabeth Gilbert is not trying to “promote” something, she is sharing her story. If a person reads it and is able to relate then there were obviously issues prior to the reading of eat, pray, love.
It’s not selfish to want to be happy… I would prefer my significant other to leave me if I were not making them happy. One, so I could find someone that I could make truly happy and two, so that I would have the chance to be truly happy as well. Sometimes, regardless of how much you love a person, they may not be the best fit. It is incredibly difficult and heart-breaking to realize that and it is incredibly courageous to follow your heart and do what you know is best.
Send love and light everytime that you think of your former love and then drop it.
Eat Love Pray: I believe she realized at the end of her journery that true love does not exist and good marraiges and relationships are not made from cookie cutters. Besides love and compatibility, compromises and slfless acts are part of every relationship. These qualities seemed to be lacking in her first mattiage to M Cooper.
Eat Pray Love: Found the book interesting and enjoyable to a point. Throughout the book, I believe her banterings on spirituality and time spent in India were overbearing . I do applaud her for her knowledge of the country/culture/temple’s practices and meditations. In the beginning, i wanted to label her as selfish for not working through her marriage and for not compromising her career and family goals. However, I decided to applaud her for abiding by her values and goals and search for truism and love. Finally, I was relieved when she visited Bali and began to socialize and find a relationship and love.
she got sued: http://www.courthousenews.com/2010/11/17/New_Comp… http://www.courthousenews.com/2010/11/17/New_Comp…
Gosh, not to be the jealous type, but starting out with $10 grand seems so lush to me.
Gilbert has made millions since she spent a mere $10,000 on that first wedding. I'm sure she prefers the memories she bought (however bittersweet) to the "nest egg." What probably bothers her more is that her first hubby hit her up for BIG alimony payments. NOT gentlemanly of him. My first wife was making more than I at the time we divorced, and I didn't want any of her money and don't regret that decision for a minute. I'm perfectly capable of supporting myself. I notice Gilbert make sure Felipe, her 2nd hubby, signed a pre-nup. No wonder. No reason for her to hand over half of everything she owns if her marriage goes down the tubes. Finally, as for those men who feel like Gilbert's book drove their wives to divorce them: messages about oppressed wives yearning for freedom have been commonplace in literature for more than a century. Think of Ibsen's A Dollhouse, written about 1880, not to mention Madame Bovary, Anna Karenina (both from mid 19th Century) and countless others.
(cont'd)Gents, don't blame the BOOK or the author for what went wrong in your marriages. And no, I'm not a huge fan of the book. I think it's clever but glib, dilletantish, and journalistic chick lit. However, it does offer frustrated wives and bachelorettes a nice, cheap, packaged wet dream of travel, cuisine, affairs, and spiritual enlightenment…..as does the movie. There's a place for it in the world, just like there's a place for male wetdreams like super hero comix.
The man needs to man up and not accept alimony anymore. If I was his wife I wouldn’t want another woman supporting me and my kids because she will alwAys be there in the background lingering.
EPL is a great story! We all deserve to seek our Happiness! “There is no such thing as rejection, but the wrong fit” and sometimes it takes awhile for some people to realize that and do something in their lives.
Did she ever get ripped off in that divorce…..the best advice I've ever read to women who marry is to get savvy on money and no matter how sure you are that your fiance would never do this to you – get a good legal agreement anyway, that favors you. Men turn on women all of the time, and the courts usually work in their favor.
I live in Oregon and lots of people get married in the National Forest with a band that comes out to play and a wooden dance floor they set up. Not as inexpensive as a backyard wedding, but hardly thousands of dollars, either.