The progressive, egalitarian answer to the question “does it matter who makes more money in a relationship” would be “no,” right? It doesn’t matter because we should love people for who they are and not how much money they make. It doesn’t matter because money doesn’t define a person’s worth nor his/her contributions to a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s the man who makes more or the woman who makes more because we are beyond such gendered roles. Oh if it were only that simple!
Historically, men have done the lion’s share of bringing in income. Our current tax code is based on the assumption that there is one breadwinner in the household. Couples who make wildly disparate incomes often have a “marriage benefit” (i.e. they would pay less in taxes than if they were unmarried), while couples who make roughly similar amounts suffer from a “marriage penalty.”
There are research and anecdotal evidence that says men prefer women who make less money and women prefer men who make more money. When I was young I thought that was silly – especially men who wanted their spouse who makes less money. Why would you want LESS money if married folks combined all their money anyway? (Keep in mind that my understanding of “married folks and money”was based on a sample of 1: my parents). But in fact, my mother once told me that a marriage would be function more smoothly if the man made more money, even if it’s just a little bit more. Now my mother is a very wise woman, and life has proven her right time and time again. But I am hoping she isn’t that right on this issue.
My Personal Take
CB and I met in high school, so we were both as broke as a joke when we started going out. The highlight of those early days of courtship was Krispy Kreme’s free donut hour when the staff passed out complimentary glazed donuts. In teenage girl parlance, I heart delicious fried dough. (Still do!)
When we dated after college, we took turns paying when we went out. When we moved in, we split the rent according to our incomes and divided everything else down the middle, but we never kept very close accounting of who owes whom. Once we are married, we (and the State of California) are going to treat whatever we bring in as ours, not his or hers. Right now I make around 6o% of our income and CB makes 40%, but that hasn’t caused any friction so far.
I’d like to think this is the bottom line: I don’t care much if I make more money or CB makes more money – I just want our little economic/love unit to make more money, period! Haha. In other words, we’re playing on the same team. There will be times when I make more and times when he makes more, but it shouldn’t matter that much as long as we are both doing our best. I can definitely see conflicts, though, if one of us is out of a job without trying hard to find a new one or if our financial situation drastically worsens. Even though things are going fine, sometimes I think about what my mother has said. Am I too much of a Pollyanna? Is there something that my mom foresee that I can’t quite grasp right now?
What My Friends Say
One of my girlfriends said that she looks for a man who will make more money than she does, because she wants to feel that sense of financial security of NOT being the breadwinner. She also wants the option of staying home with kids later on, which would be easier if her income was a smaller portion of the family pie. Her reasoning makes perfect sense. In fact, I think it’s brave and self-aware of her to understand that about herself, because I know many women have conflicted feelings about this issue, but it can be difficult to say that you want your husband to make more money without sounding superficial or materialistic.
I have another friend of mine who has an MBA from a top school and a job making $100,000-plus. One evening, over a bottle of wine, she laid out this dilemma. She said that when she writes her Match.com dating profile, she is torn between three choices: (1) leave the field blank – but she doesn’t want to be excluded from search results that specify an income range, (2) write down her true salary range – but she has found that many men would not contact her because her salary is higher, and (3) lie about her salary, maybe put down a $40,000 instead – but that also feels wrong. What should she do?
Then again, I also talked to a guy friend who says that his ideal woman is gorgeous, thin, and rich as heck so he can enjoy a life of luxury filled with exotic cars and nice vacations. I’m pretty sure he was half-joking, but if a beautiful sugar mama dropped in to his life I doubt he would protest!
I haven’t talked to many men who said that they would view a women taking home a bigger paycheck as a negative. I’d like to think it’s a case of us all being more progressive, but just as it may be hard for women to admit that they want a man who makes more money, it may be difficult for men to admit that they want to be the breadwinner.
I’d like to know what you all think about this topic.
Do you make more than your significant other? How does that affect your relationship or marriage? For the women: do you want a man who makes more money? For the men: does it matter if your wife or girlfriend makes more? Would you prefer to be the breadwinner?
Related posts:
I have always wanted a guy who makes at least as much money as I make. The My husband makes about $20k more than me each year. When we started dating, I was making more than him, but I knew that he had the potential to make much more. The reasons are mainly what your friend said. I just don't want the pressure of being the breadwinner.
My husband and I have talked about this and honestly we don't care either way as long as we're both making as much as we can.
I make more money than my boyfriend and I'm sure he has no problem with it. I'm like your friend with the MBA, it would be nearly impossible for me to find a guy my age who makes more than me.
Ha.
I want a guy that makes around the same amount money as me, it doesn't matter if it's slightly more or less, as long as we make about the same amount. I think a huge disparity in our salaries in any direction would make me uncomfortable. In Canada, we don't allow spousal tax benefits, which is good because it takes tax consideration out of employment choices, but it is also not inline with the reality that a lot of stay-at-home parents are the female partners.
I tend to underestimate the prevalence of the "male-breadwinner" ideal in society. I have some guy friends who are lke your friend, who claim that they'd love a rich female partner that paid their way. But I don't think they'd be quite as comfortable with this idea turning into reality. In undergrad criminology class, we learned that the times that a woman is most likely murdered by her male partner is when she is employed and he is not – the prof made us guess the stat before giving the answer, and most of us guessed it was the other way around.
I would like to find someone who makes more money than me, but like your girlffriend on match says, a) guys are stupid and b) they don't want to be the one making less money because they think that the woman will control them. Like your guy friend says, of course he wants to find a sugar mama, so he can be lazy and live high on the hog. It's a lose-lose for a woman who makes money. I think the women's lib movement has kind of hurt us. I hate to say that, but as a single 30 something professional who makes good money, it's hard to find someone who is decent, makes better money, has the same values AND is within your age range. *sigh*
I make more than my wife but she is in sales so it's possible that one year she will eclipse my salary. We have discussed this issue – she likes that I have a salary with benefits because she can be more risky with her own career. If I didn't have my current position she would probably get a non-sales 9-5.
And yes, women who make more <a href = "http://www.demogr.mpg.de/Papers/workshops/041125_paper07.pdf">do tend to get divorced more. It's called the "independence effect" – interesting stuff.
I think that for the man it has a lot to do with their concepts of masculinity, and whether or not bringing home the money is tied in with that notion. Another thing I have noticed is that when a lot of people talk about it not mattering to them, it is generally small margins. 50k vs. 60k does not seem to bother a lot of people, but I think bigger margins generally do.
My mom makes over $300k/year, and my dad makes barely $30k. My dad definitely gets comments from his friends and family about not being the man in the relationship. Also, because my mom has a much more grueling and stressful job, my dad ends up doing her drycleaning, cooking most days, and doing all of the shopping for their household. This has never bothered him much, but I think that this is not a viable scenario for a lot of couples.
I will likely make more than any potential partner eventually, and it does not bother me because it is what I grew up with.
I currently make about 10% more than my bf. We've traded off on who makes more over the years and that may continue depending on our exact career paths. He says he doesn't care who makes more but refuses to split expenses proportionally or take financial support from me while he's in law school. I would love to be the breadwinner and have a husband that stays home with the kids, but I think he feels responsible for contributing financially at least somewhat. I've told him though that if he's not making much more than the daycare and other associated costs of working when we have kids, he's quitting to stay home with them.
I make more than my boyfriend right now, and I know it makes him uncomfortable. For that reason, I hope he gets a really big promotion and raise soon!
Wow, I didn't know that many women actually didn't want to make as much money as their mate. The parts of the Internet I roam around seem to be at least half full of women complaining how women only make some X cents on the dollar of a man's salary. They're usually unclear about whether it's their own salary that's low or just the average of all those other women out there besides them. Anyway, I'm glad to hear a voice that says it's a choice, although it's a bit of a strange one.
I want my wife to take over the "breadwinner" role because I want the freedom. Right now she's at home with our newest child, but as the child grows a bit I would like to make the switch to be the stay-at-home parent and she go back. She does earn less than me, but much more than enough to support us all. She's into that idea as well. Work the family like a business and help everyone achieve their goals.
I think your mom has a point, but for generations prior to us. I think in our generation, with many people living together before they are engaged/married etc. it doesn't matter as much because I think when you are living together your careers may still be in the works and so you are both just trying to get by. Having both people put in as much as they can is good, however you do have to ensure you are with someone who shares the same values and doesn't get upset if the other isn't paying their share. In my opinion it doesn't matter if I make more or pay more or my partner does because I want what is best for that person and I would assume they want the same for me!
I have a post in draft mode right now that sort of deals with this issue. Currently I make all the income. When my husband starts working again, I will make 2/3rds, he will make 1/3rd. With his old job, he was making 1/5, I was making 4/5. I am NOT okay with it for two reasons a) even though I make considerably more, the majority of our disposable income goes toward his education, his schooling, airfare and hotels for his job interviews, etc. and 2) even though I make more, I still do the majority of the housework. When I wrote the post about not wanting a gift from my husband because I would essentially be paying for it myself–I got some flak for not thinking about it as OUR money but rather my money. I wouldn't mind as much if I didn't have to do a whole bunch of extra work when I get home. Because of his situation with his education–he needs extra time to study which leaves me picking up all the slack at home. making dinner, buying groceries, balancing the checkbook, doing the laundry, walking the dog. I mean it's just a completely unfair situation right now.
Eventually–like in five years or so, he will be making more than me, but I still will be making a pretty good income. Also–it gets hard not to get resentful when you were living a pretty decent lifestyle before you got married, and now find yourself living in a shack after you got married and it's only because your partner can't carry their weight.
I know this makes me sound SUPER bitter–and while I do get very upset at times, I love my husband very VERY much. And I wouldn't trade him for the world. At the same time, I have to deal with all the pressure of making ends meet. It's a lot to be on my shoulders. If I could do it over, I would have waited to get married until after he had his firefighter job.
I just wanted to tell you that I completely understand and hope he gets his firefighter job soon. Once you get to the top of the hill, you can coast down. Things are not always easy, but you two will work it out.
I don't think it matters at all. My hubby and I make almost the same so the money pot is contributed to 50% by each. We respect each other for who we are and what we bring to the relationship. It is complimentary not competitive.
I would not be upset dating a woman that makes more than me. I think if she made just a little bit more, I would work harder to try to take the top slot (a little healthy competition). But if she made a whole lot more, I would be happy for her.
Ideally I would make more because the woman making more takes a little hit on the masculine ego, but it is certainly not any reason for me to not date or marry someone.
I'd like to think that my husband and I wouldn't care who made more, but both sides of the scenario haven't been tested yet so I'm really not sure. Right now he makes slightly more than me (about 5-10%) because he is one year ahead of me in grad school and his department's base rate is higher than mine's. I'm comfortable with that and it makes me slightly uneasy to think if the situation were flipped.
I think both of our incomes are going to vary a lot over our lifetimes so we will get to see what works best for us and what doesn't. If I land my ideal first job out of grad school I'd probably be making quite a bit more than him. Something we're also considering is me getting a steady-income job and him working at some start-ups in the hope that one will really take off, which if it happened would probably put him "ahead." I suspect that over our lifetime he'll earn more than me because he'll likely be in the work force continuously whereas I might take time off when we have children, which we're both fine with.
I think what matters more to our relationship is a sense of intellectual equality and common professional interests (at least for the moment). We can talk about our work in some detail without losing or boring each other. If one of us does end up making more money, it won't be because that person is smarter or harder-working or whatever – it will be more of accidents of fate and a divergence of interests.
This is a great question and I kinda bounce back and forth on my opinion.
I used to think that it didn't matter to me. I was in an industry where I had the potential to make a lot of money, and I was ok with having the higher salary in a relationship. Then, as I got older and saw my friends get married and pregnant, I got scared off from being the breadwinner because I was afraid that I would have too much pressure to provide for my family – what it I couldn't do it?
Now, I think that as long as my partner and I both work hard and are doing the best that we can, and also we structure our lifestyle to be within our means, then I don't think it matters so much who makes what. The important thing is that we are able to communicate with one another and make sure that whatever it is, it is working for us, and our lifestyle.
BF and I recently had a discussion about this and we both felt pressured for different reasons. BF said he would feel more pressure if he wasn't the breadwinner because he felt he needed to provide for me, whereas, I felt there was too much pressure if I was the breadwinner. It's kinda funny, eh?
Ohhhhhhh…….fun topic. I'll tell you what my situation is like and then comment on your questions.
Right now, H and I make damn near the same amount of money – we both get paid 1 time per month, and I think that she makes about 200 more than I do per month, but I think after adding in my blogging income, I come out slightly ahead. The way we handle expenses is split exactly down the middle, mainly because I am still working to pay off debt from my truck and from my student loans.
As for it mattering who makes more – it really doesnt to me. If she made gobs more than I did ( she did when we started dating because I was in school, as well as after I finished because I had a few jobs that were lower paying than they were now – I've basically doubled my income in the last 2 years, and have finally caught up.
Your friend that wished she made less than the man had a good point – losing one income that was much smaller than the other one wouldnt be that hard, but it'd be much harder if they were even – however that does leave you in the lurches if you lose the larger income at some point.
I don't know my boyfriend's exact income, but anecdotal evidence suggests he makes more than me. I'm okay with that. I know from the way we interact with regards to money (he insists on paying), he would prefer to be the main breadwinner. As it stands, he could afford to support a family. While that's not what attracted me to him by any means, it's definitely appealing. I don't make chump change either, but knowing that I could be a stay at home mom if the opportunity presented itself is wonderful. It gives me the luxury of having a choice, which is something not a lot of people have anymore. For that reason, I would prefer my significant other to be the main breadwinner.
On a related note, I don't think my father would take it very well if my future spouse was not capable of looking after me. He's quite old fashioned.
I make about 3x more than my boyfriend and we are both fine with that. Ideally, I want him to make more but that's only because I know he has the potential to. We both have talked about this and we both want the other person to do the best they can at work. Usually (but not always), that equates to making more money so of course, we both want to make more. Neither of us feels any resentment towards the other about our salaries and that's really important to me.
I don't have to deal with this issue in my relationship… we're both women!
That aside, we do have highly disparate incomes: I have had a steady, well-paying job for the last 4 years, while she moved away from her newer job to live with me in a different city earlier this year. She worked some part-time gigs, was unemployed for a few months, and joined up with AmeriCorps for a year before she finishes her degree and gets her teaching credential. For a while there I was supporting the both of us on one income, and I don't think I'd ever expected to be in that position with anyone. I'll admit that it was REALLY nice to have her at home to cook and clean and run errands and mind the kitties. That made me feel pretty spoiled.
Now we're both working two jobs, basically. (I'm attending graduate classes full-time as well as holding down 40 hours a week in the office.) We're crazy-busy. Currently, she can contribute to household expenses (Americorps employees receive a living stipend) and pay down a small amount of consumer debt (with income from her weekend gig), while I add the same amount I had been spending to cover her expenses to savings (for our emergency fund, down payment on a house, and our wedding next year — accounts that benefit both of us). She's contributing additional funds from each paycheck toward these goals as well, and the amounts are skewed relative to our different incomes. Our bank accounts are okay, but no one does the laundry on time anymore!
It'll do until we're both through school. When we look at adding kids to the mix, though, we'll both need to be working — at least one full-time and one part-time — in order to afford them in our area. Neither of us will hit six figures in annual salary. I may not have the luxury of a housewife again.
I think I'd prefer the man I was dating/married to, to make about the same as me. Just because I wouldn't want a large difference in income to become a point of control (have no idea if it would because I have not seriously dated someone who more than me).
Re: your friend's match profile: maybe she can use her net income?
My wife and I married right after college, we both earned exactly the same. Eventually, I outpaced her earnings, but it doesn't really matter to us. We put our earnings together and live a rather low profile lifestyle.
I make more than my husband, but since it all goes into the same pot it doesn't matter. The biggest issue for me is time – if I work a side job to bring in more, it's important that we balance that investment with him picking up more of the housework. It's been a struggle but it makes us both feel entitled to the money "we" earn!
I wish I could say that money doesn't matter, and all you really need is love. But it's obvious with this post, and how my has turned out that money is a big issue. It's one of the four main issues couples face that can make or break the relationship. I blogged about how my success in my career drove a wedge between my husband and ultimately led to divorce. He was insecure and kept getting lazier, so I had to pick up the slack. This left us stuck in a catch 22. Going around and around.
For me personally, I don't care who makes more as long as you are both on the same page, and working towards the same goals. Equal partners with equal effort. Sadly, we being humans, everything is measured and compared. Until we are secure in ourselves and within the relationship, there will always be tension about who makes more.
I make more than my BF, and he says he doesn't care about that. It doesn't especially bother me. He doesn't really like his job, and I think that bothers me more than the salary. I will say that I'd like to take a few years off when I have kids, and if he stays in his current job, that can't happen, so that's a bummer. But realistically most households are dual-income nowdays, and I do love my job. I agree that it's more about being on the same page with financial goals, than about who makes what.
Great post by the way. I am a married man. Yes I do make more than my wife but, not by much. I would love for my wife to make more money than I do. The reason is simple. More money in the pot, more money to our goals and hopefully we accomplish those goals fast by having more money. Today's society is quite different from our past societies. We are now in a 2 income world. The bigger both incomes the better. I think any man who feels a sense of increased manhood by their wife/girlfriend making less money isn't a man but, a boy who doesn't quite grasp that point of view just makes no damn sense.
Ideally I'd like to say that it doesnt matter but Im not sure….
I'd really want my husband to make more than me, that's my gut reaction. But I also know that it really doesn't matter so long as he's pulling his financial weight.
After reading the posts, there is a lot of variation between those that are boyfriend/girlfriend and those that are married. Check it out…of course when you're dating, we're goo-goo eyed and it doesnt' matter. When you're marriend and either spouse isn't pulling the weight it becomes a problem. Also, like someone else above said, it depends on how much of a difference the salary is and WHY there is a difference (is it because one is unemployed, or in grad school), or is it because one is "perfectly happy" not making the money while the other is.
Great topic.
I make less than my husband. I don't think it really affects our marriage because my income is still enough to support myself comfortably. I have seen where my friends make more than their husband and it is a HUGE problem in two of their marriages. They soemhow managed to convince the wives that they should "be their own boss". One is an artist the other a photographer. Neither brings in enough to pay even half the mortgage.
Therefore, I am not a big fan of the wife making more than the husband. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm setting the woman's movement back but if you show your husband you are capable he will leave it all to you! Balancing the checkbook, paying the bills, doing the taxes etc…
There are so many aspects to this question…
No, in general my relationship has not been effected by the "who makes more money question" in fact about every six months my wife and I pretty much go back and forth between who earns more. However, when we are so close to each other probably makes it easier. Having one income be much larger would certainly put more stress on the person with the larger income.
However, I know that now that we have kids there is a desire to go to single income and one breadwinner, so I think it is a very fluid question that evolves with the relationship.
I would prefer if my partner made more money than me, because I'm never going to get rich in journalism (and I'm not willing to give it up.) As long as I have enough for the basics and enough on top to save and travel, I'm happy.
I make nearly double what my fiance makes, depending on his hours in any given week. I'm okay with that. I would obviously prefer it if he made more because he has some debt, and he's a natural spender while I'm a saver.
While I was still studying, he made much more than me – probably what I make now – but I have to admit we squandered it as we weren't managing our money, and had lots of dramas with cars and other expensive things.
For me, I think what it comes down to is us both making enough together, and ideally in fairly equal amounts – but the total amount is more important.
Here is a key factor that no one talks about: the older you are when you start dating, the more money matters in a relationship. You and your hubby met in high school where you were both on even ground – broke – and you both had no idea what the other might be earning one day. And you both had yet to establish lifestyle spending preferences and habits. So you established all that together, which is great. But I am single, 28, female and making right at 6 figures. And for years now I've cultivated a certain lifestyle – I travel a certain way, live and eat a certain way, dress and spend and save a certain way. So there is no way I can honestly say that it doesn't matter what a potential dating partner might earn and save and spend. It DOES matter, a lot. And if he makes less, either I'm going to have to downgrade my spending and saving habits, or he'd have to upgrade his. Either way it's uncomfortable at best.
I make significantly more than my husband, but I don't think it matters. He is in school and wants to change careers when he done, so maybe this won't always be the case. I know that if it doesn't change, it means I won't have the option of staying home with any children we might have, but I am okay with that. Opposite of what some commenters have said, where they don't want the pressure of being the 'breadwinner', I like that responsibility. I work in a field where I (probably) won't ever have to worry about finding a job, so it's nice that my salary is the one we live on and his salary is the one we save.
My husband and I are early 30's with 1 kid, We both work. I just calculated it and I make 55% of the income, while he makes 45% of the income. I think I do a lot more household chores, but he does a lot more childcare when we're both home (we have full time childcare since we both work full time). When we first started dating, both in school. Then I got an entry level job, so I made a lot more than him. We got married after he finished school, but hadn't found a job yet, so I was the breadwinner. Luckily, he found a job 1 month after we got married and then he became the breadwinner. I think he was making about 55% of the income, while I was making 45%. At that time, I thought he was going to be the breadwinner for a while, but I unexpectedly got a huge raise with a promotion. We flipped flopped for a bit. Then about 2 years ago, I moved to a new company and became the breadwinner by overall salary. But I did take off significant amount of time after the birth of our child (almost 1 year).
I'd love for him to make more, but the fact is, he's a nice guy. He's loyal to his company. When you're at one place for a long time and you're not willing to ask for more money, you're not going to get a lot more.
I, on the other hand, am always asking for more money. And I'm always getting it when I ask for it. I just asked for more, and hope to see it in our year end numbers.
Both my husband and I make a good salary. I would like to see him make more because I do feel a lot of pressure to continue working. Before having kids, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom (SAHM). Now I like my current work/life situation, but do feel tied to my job since I'm the primary breadwinner.
I make more than my husband, but he's headed back to college in January.. we hope that he'll land a more secure job & stable income in the future, but at the very least he'll be working in the field he loves (computers). As for the dollar amounts, I've asked him before.. and he doesn't care. It's OUR money.
And I also have a friend who wants to meet a man who makes more money than her. In my opinion, as long as each individual is putting forth equal effort & trying their best to take care of each other/their family, it shouldn't matter who makes more. My husband provides for us in more ways than money (emotional support when my mom died, fixing our cars & electronics when things break, etc).
I would prefer to date someone who makes similar money to me, as in +/- 10-20%. I've generally made more than the guys I've dated, which can sometimes be awkward if it's a significant amount. I think that it would be weird to date someone who makes significantly less than me because, as Meg mentioned, I do have my particular lifestyle and it's hard when the other person doesn't fit into it.
I do not think I am in your typical demographic (42y/o), but I thought I would throw in my 2 cents as well. My wife and I married at 23 and my income was probably 1.5x higher than hers until we had our first child at 26. It was important to both of us that she stay home with our children, so her income immediately fell to zero. To this day she stays home with our children and we would not have it any other way.
At no point did this cause me any feelings of jealousy OR superiority. During the early years of staying home, she struggled somewhat with her feelings of identity (am I just a mom? is that enough? do my friends judge me for walking away from a career?). After a few years she was able to work through that and we have a wonderful life and relationship.
I have seen MANY friends in similar situations blow up their marriages around this issue. It is very easy for the higher earner to lord it over the other and try to manipulate/control the other. I also think the low earner runs a risk of feeling inadequate or insecure or even guilty. The key is to talk about it within a relationship – and do so early, honestly, often, and in a respectful way.