Most of the folks in the personal finance blogosphere have probably heard about J.D.’s announcement on Get Rich Slowly. At last view, the post had over 350 comments. I don’t have anything of value to add, except to say that I wish the best for both J.D. and Kris, and also admit that I was caught off guard by how heavily this news hit me.
I am getting married in June. I said yes to the dress and CB got his ring and we are planning out our honeymoon. On our wedding website, I talked of us embarking on this “grand adventure called marriage” together. Then I realized, this institution / commitment / relationship called ”marriage” is an adventure… in a strange land that we have never been to. We talk about what we think it will be like, what the terrain may be, the hills and valleys. We have some maps, but we don’t know how accurate those maps are or whether new obstacles will sprout in the future, blocking off roads that we thought we can navigate. We have a compass, but that compass might break or be lost on the way. We’ve heard others’ stories about their journey to that strange land, but we know that while the same wind, streams, and animals may exist for us, but their presence or dissappearance will be one we have to experience on our own.
So, there is a lot of excitement about this adventure together. But there is trepeditation as well. Not of who we are now, or how we feel about each other now, or our commitment now, but of who we will be in 10 years, 25 years, 50 years. Who we will become. How we feel about each other then. Our commitment through trials that we have not yet experienced and indeed, probably have not even foreseen. There are many studies out there on the financial consequences of divorce. And as this is a personal finance blog that might be what I should talk about. But money is money – it’s just money – I have confidence in myself that I can make enough. Love, trust, a shared sense of history – that’s a whole another thing. That’s what I am afraid to lose to an unhealthy marriage or a divorce.
My fiance and I met ten years ago in high school, and we have certainly changed during those ten years. I have no doubt we will change during the decades to come. In fact, two months after we get married I will be starting my MBA program and CB will likely be in another graduate school program in another state. People change, goals change, health and finances change, distances change. What we want out of life might change. How do we grow together and not apart?
I’d like my readers, especially those of you who have been in long marriages or have reconciled from conflict or separation, to impart some words of wisdom for this pair of soon-to-be-newlyweds.
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Choose your battles, when in doubt- apologize, remember that mutual respect is key.
While I haven't been married for a terribly long time (4 years this June), my husband and I are celebrating 10 years of dating next month. I would say my biggest piece of advice is to not assume that everything is going to change once you get married. For me the only thing that changed was that we now file taxes together. I didn't even change my last name, so I definitely didn't expect my husband to change some big personality trait now that we are married.
We too did a bit of the long distance thing, but it was when I was still in school and he had started working, so I feel your future pain. Just make sure you don't take your spouse for granted, and make sure you give them the attention that they need or want. When I started grad school in 2010 while also working full time, I had very little free time to spare, and my husband felt a little neglected. Luckily we are not afraid to hash things out and put it all on the table, and I adjusted accordingly. I know everyone will say this, but communication is key. If there's something on your mind, speak up! Letting things stew is never healthy, in ANY relationship.
Best of luck to you both!
I’m anticipating the same for us – I’m not changing my name, we’ve been together six years and lived together for most of those. The toughest thing we’ve faced was the time he was unemployed and I was in my last year before graduation. Turns out we have very different love languages. I was barely keeping it all together (and heading up a house with three other flatmates), and while in my view me making sure we two were fed three meals a day, sending him job links, etc, was proof in hand of love, he felt neglected.
eemusings´s last [type] ..Traditional trappings I care not a whit for
eemusings´s last [type] ..Traditional trappings I care not a whit for
I don't know of any really great tips. But me and the BF have been together for almost 6 years (and have lived together for 5) and are definitely still going strong. We have completely opposite schedules, so I guess one thing that helps is that we always try to value the time that we actually get together.
Talk, talk talk talk all the time. Distance isn't the end all be all. You are getting married for a reason, and you're being separated for a reason. Remember what's important and remember to talk talk talk all the time. Don't let the open honest communication degrade.
And P.S.: CONGRAAATS!!!!
I joined the marriage club only this year (so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt) but never go to bed angry. Take the time to at least diffuse the fight at night, no matter how tired you are. You may have to fix and compromise in the morning, but ensure that you aren't angry when you sleep.
I have been married for a little over 3 years and there are days when I still feel new at this. The one thing I can say is that communication is key.
The other thing, and this is the hardest for me, is to realize that no matter how much you plan and prepare, life will throw you a few curve balls. I started a PhD program about 9 months after we got married, and due to lack of job opportunities in the area where I was going to school, we lived in 2 separate places, and traveled a couple times a month for almost 2 years. It was hard, but it was communication that got us through.
Enjoy the ride. Marriage is the best thing I have ever experienced. I have an amazing husband and partner and wouldn't trade that for anything.
I don't really have any marriage advice to offer seeing that I'm not married myself, but I did want to say that I was also surprised by how J.D.'s announcement hit me. I'm in it for life with my bf and we both don't plan on getting married (although I suspect marriage will happen for logistical reasons eventually) or having kids (like…ever), and J.D.'s relationship was really the first married-without-kids partnership I've ever had a chance to peek in on. I wish there were more examples out there I could check out…
Hi Deb, not sure if you will see this, but my godparents have been married for around 20 years now with no kids – my godmother had one kid from her first marriage, but he was out of the house before they were married and they are happy together. They have had pets over the years – dogs, cats, etc that were quite spoiled but otherwise it's been just them.
My husband and I have gone that path too, although we are relatively young still.
I bet if you check around, you'll find people without kids – it's a different lifestyle but everyone I've known that's done it has been content. Money goes to things like travel and food instead of babysitting and sports.
It's true–I do feel like I have some contemporaries who are in the same boat, but we're all still relatively young. Kids seem to be the driving/organizing factor behind your whole life if you plan to have them, so taking them out of the picture (especially financially) is more interesting and relevant to me.
I, too, love pets and plan on having many of them throughout the years!
Deb, my boyfriend has an aunt and uncle who are married with no children…and they are the envy of the whole family! They have a great relationship, travel and do lots of activities together, and have a very social house, they always invite people over for food, hanging out and just having a good time. They are also very close with the children in the family, which I think is awesome. It helps to know you both don't want children and can focus on what will be important and what you will value in your life together.
I've also only been married a few years (it will be 4 years this coming July), but one thing that I heard at a class for newly married people really struck me.
At all times, remember that your spouse loves you and is not trying to harm you.
While the above is likely only true for healthy relationships, I think it has helped me a lot. If I construe something my wife says as being harsh or unloving, I'm a lot more eager to respond negatively. However, if I remember that my wife cares for me and is not intentionally trying to harm me, I can slow down or stop potential fights and arguments before they begin.
Never take each other for granted. Make time for each other. Just like finances, your career, and your relationships with family and friends need to be maintained, so does your marriage – this aspect was surprising to me, as my relationship was superficially so easy-breezy and low-maintenance, it's easy to take for granted. Also, don't sweat the small stuff. I've found myself bickering with my husband when I want to be in the right, but there's no satisfaction to "winning" an argument when it induces needless marital strife. Nobody "wins."
Also, not to be a debbie downer, but do your best to involve each other in your MBA adventures. You'll both be meeting a lot of new people and encouraged to practice your networking skills – elements of which will feel new and exciting, like starting undegrad. Since you've been together for a decade, I'm sure you know how to weather those kinds of storms, but do your best to be there for each other despite the distance.
And, as others noted, communication is key. Talk about everything – the good, the bad, the uncomfortable. There shouldn't be guesswork in how the other person is feeling, and if s/he is growing apart from you vs growing with you, as long as there is open and honest communication.
I was completely floored by JD's announcement, too! In fact, I couldn't stop thinking about it on and off for the rest of the night when I first read it. It's definitely none of my business, and I'm sure things will work out in the end, but I had a flash of fear for the wife of 23 years who "doesn't see it coming". I am a newly-wed of 2 months… It made me stop and wonder what I would think if, twenty three years from now, I was just left.
Sorry to be a downer! Marraige is awesome and the best concept I ever heard about it is that everyone's is different. Yours from your parents, yours from your friends, etc. So as long as it makes sense to you and your person, it is the right path!
I'm also relatively young to marriage (3 years in May) but we've been together 9 years now in one way or another and I've found that the most important thing is communication. When we lived apart for 2 years (for my MS), we called each other every day and talked about everything – even what we were eating, the commute, whatever – it made us feel close. Also, budget money to visit each other instead of going out with friends individually.
"I was caught off guard by how heavily this news hit me."
Yes. Me too. So much. I don't even have GRS as a daily read, but it was my first PF blog, ever.
It is just sort of devastating to realize that after decades of a relationship, of being husband and wife, it could all end. I know each relationship is unique, but divorce is just so sad to think about when you love your marriage..
No advice here. Have you two done any long distance in the past? We have, but I'm still a little scared to "go back" to it.
I obviously know how you feel – thanks for putting up this post – the comments are great.
I’ve only been married 11 months, but I agree with the comment that not all relationships change when youre married. We share money 100% and I have a new last name now, but it doesn’t feel that different than it did before. I didn’t magically learn any new “wife-like” skills or something. One thing I try to remember is to never “neglect” our marriage (or each other). We try to make time for just the two of us and to make sure we are always on the same page with things. Our marriage needs attention to keep it strong. We love being married
Laura´s last [type] ..That time we almost bought a house (but didn't)
Laura´s last [type] ..That time we almost bought a house (but didn't)
I used to ask this when I waited on tables for anniversaries. The funniest answer was a 60th anniversary dinner – the woman said, "Just have a third party hide the guns."
Well, I've only been married about 2 1/2 years, and it's already been said- but communication is key. You probably already know this from your relationship, but it's true in my experience too. Sometimes I'm surprised at how differently we're viewing things when hubby and I actually get around to discussing something (we generally have really good communication, but sometimes things slip through the cracks). So, I have to remember not to assume I know what he's thinking at all times. But I generally think this is important for all relationships, and that getting married didn't change things that much, except for the level of commitment.
We'll be celebrating our 2nd anniversary next month, which is a pretty new marriage. We've crammed a lot in though! I immigrated to Canada to be with him, he got his PhD and now I am unemployed in Newfoundland while he is working on a Post Doc. It has been interesting. Because I lived alone for a long time, and because I have a strong personality, I have had to learn how to give up control. I still have a say, obviously, but I no longer have the only say. So, be ready to compromise and never take each other for granted. That is my advice so far.