Love | Well Heeled Blog

What did you do with your wedding pictures?

Written by WellHeeled on March 14, 2013 · 33 Comments

It has been 9 months since CB and I officially tied the knot. Our wedding pictures are still sitting in the CD the photographer sent us. I’ve uploaded some to Facebook and my computer, and occasionally I’ll look at a few, but we still haven’t gone to Costco to make physical prints of our pictures, and I haven’t made any progress on the wedding album I was going to put together.

I wonder if I should just ask our photographer to make our wedding album for us. An album would be a ~$600 luxury, but then, we’ll have an album, and it will be beautiful. On the one hand, how often will we really look through the wedding album? On the other hand, isn’t it nice to have an album just for the sake of having an album? Recently I stumbled upon Living Debt Free Rocks and her beautiful album on her blog, and now the “wanting” of a professional album has just gotten stronger. Michelle’s Finance Journal also have posted some beautiful wedding photos. My cousin had a traditional Chinese wedding and has loads of pictures from several photo shots - I would love to look through her album the next time I see her!

Alternatively, perhaps I will go the less expensive route and just get a few larger prints of our favorite shots, and frame them.

What did you do with your wedding pictures? How often do you look at them?

Question From a Reader: When to Pitch In For Long Distance Dating?

Written by WellHeeled on September 10, 2012 · 15 Comments

I got this question on my post about the cost of long distance relationships, and thought that you guys can chime in and share some suggestions with this reader:

I’m just starting to see someone from NC and I’m in FL. We’ve spoken on the phone for months and he purchased tickets for me to come up at the end of August. It was just as fantastic in person as on the phone. At this point, we feel quite connected and have been having 2-3 hours conversation each night since early Aug. Since he paid for everything, tickets, entertainment, dinners out, food, gas, etc. while I was in NC last month, should I reciprocate now. He is softly mentioning my getting the next round of tickets and since we’re so ‘young’ in this relationship, I’m wondering “when is the time I should pay?”

My take is that if she can afford it and she wants to continue the relationship, she should pay for the next trip. At the very least, pay for a portion of the next trip. If she can’t afford to pay to visit until 3 months later and the guy wants her to visit say, in 2 months, then he should offer to make up the shortfall. Now if she is on a very tight budget and really cannot afford to travel, then she should have an honest conversation with the guy about why she is unable to visit or unable to pay for the visits.

Here’s my principle for thinking about money in relationships, long distance or otherwise: treat people with respect, make sure no one is feeling taken advantage of, and don’t jeopardize your financial security.

Thoughts?

Investing in a Long Distance Relationship

Written by WellHeeled on August 21, 2012 · 36 Comments

You guys warned me, but I didn’t listen… long distance relationships are expensive! And most of those expenses fall into the form of cross-country airfare. When CB and I first decided to do this let’s-start-our-marriage-on-opposite-coasts deal, I thought we’d be fine seeing each other every couple of months. Now that we’ve been apart for a while, I’ve realized that the every-two-month schedule is one of Last Resort. We need to figure out a way to visit at least every 6 weeks, ideally every month.

After crunching numbers and checking calendars, we’ve worked it out so that we will see each other every month from September to December. Of course, all these cross-country flights don’t come cheap: just yesterday I plucked down nearly $600 for a Thanksgiving ticket. This fall, at an average of $500/flight, those four visits will cost us $2,000. Even though it hurts to spend the money (and CB is probably even more reluctant to spend than I am), I think this is the right move. It’s hard enough to be in a long distance relationship without having those little visits to look forward to.

On the other hand, even though I miss CB quite a bit, it is nice having time to just do whatever I need to get done. Many of my classmates have their spouses/families here with them, and I see how difficult it is for them to balance school, job search, and family. I envy them (because their loved ones are close), but I feel lucky that I don’t necessarily need to have “balance” right now. I can focus on whatever I need to get done. Then when CB and I visit, we can devote our time to each other. So, those plane tickets as “price of admission” to a successful long distance marriage. And high as it might be, it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay.

If you are in a long distance relationship, how much money do you spend on flights / travel to see each other?

Honeymoon Spending Summary

Written by WellHeeled on June 26, 2012 · 15 Comments

I crunched the numbers, and thanks to credit card sign-on bonuses and miles, we did a 9-day Argentina honeymoon for under $3,000.

Flights (international & domestic): $1,200
All spending in Argentina: $1,560.33
This is broken down into:
(a) hotels: $220. We stayed at a small hotel in a not-so-good part of town for 4 days, which in hindsight was not the smartest decision. The rest of the time we stayed – for free! – at 4-star and 5-star hotels that normally cost $250-$700/night using credit card points.
(b) food & activities: 1,540.33. We went horseback riding, took a private tango class, and ate empanadas almost every single day. Our most expensive meal was supposed to be $135 for the two of us, but a gentleman at the dinner found out that we were on our honeymoon and INSISTED on paying our bill. I couldn’t believe the goodwill of people, but that made me feel so touched. This cost also includes travel medical insurance.

Total spending: $2,960.33 or $328.93 per day

The romance is alive!

5 Tips for Sane & Stress-Free Wedding Planning

Written by WellHeeled on May 7, 2012 · 15 Comments

Every time I log onto my wedding website, a little countdown stares back at me: my wedding is in a month! Most of the big items are booked, signed, and paid for (at least in part). Our invitations have gone out and our registry is set up. For the first time, I am really start to ENJOY this wedding planning, or maybe I am enjoying the feeling of anticipation and excitement about the upcoming big day. In any case, judging by what I’ve read online, it seems as if I got pretty lucky in putting together a sane and relatively stress-free wedding, on a reasonable-to-us budget. So I wanted to share the 5 tips that really helped me in the wedding planning process.

wedding 5 Tips for Sane & Stress Free Wedding Planning

photo credit: *m5 via flickr

1. Set a wedding budget, but set a realistic budget.

Even a million-dollar wedding has a budget… of $1 million. Most of us won’t be spending that much (unless I have some very rich lurkers reading this blog!), but EVERYONE has a budget. Talk with your fiance, with your family, with yourself, and figure out how much it is you are 1. able to spend and 2. comfortable with spending. When I first got engaged, I had no idea what my budget should be. But that’s kind of Step 1 in the whole planning process.

Attempting to hold a $40,000 wedding on a $20,000 budget is a surefire way to get an aneursym, unless you have tons of vendor relationships, are prepared and capable of lots of DIY, or have hours and hours to burn on wedding planning and research. And even then… I cringe a little just imagining the stress! There is nothing so frustrating as to have a vision of what you want your wedding to look like and then realizing that it will cost double the money you need to make it happen. Remember that triangle – cheap, easy, and good. You only get to pick two. And if your wedding budget require you to go into debt, the personal finance blogger in me must inform you that your budget is not realistic.

On the other hand… there are no prizes in wedding budgeting. You don’t get a prize for spending $500 and you don’t get a prize for spending $50,000. After the vows are spoken and the cake is cut, you’ll be married and you will have the memories of that day. I would never jeopardize my financial future for a wedding, but I also decided that I am not going to set an arbitrary $5,000 limit when we want and can afford to spend $7,000.

2. Have a small guest list, hire a wedding coordinator, or use an all-inclusive venue.

A small wedding, all things equal, will be more inexpensive and easier to plan. You also have the advantage of fitting into unconventional venues that have a size limit of under 100. For example, my ceremony venue’s max limit is 75, while my reception area’s is 45. I am a huge fan of the small wedding for minimizing stress and stretching your budget. At a guest list of around 35, I can splurge on some pretty nice food and several flavors of cake. I need to address fewer invitations. I have a good handle on my RSVP list. I don’t need to plan out individual seating charts.

If you want to have a bigger wedding – many people find it difficult to cull their guest list because they are blessed with a big family and tons of friends – hire a wedding coordinator. A friend is hosting a 250-person wedding and told me that her wedding coordinator has helped her read over contracts, find vendors, negotiate rentals, etc. If you are having a big wedding and can’t hire a wedding coordinator, going with an all-inclusive venue will save a lot of time and work. Those venues typically have chairs, table, lighting, music, etc., and a dedicated venue wedding planner, so you will get some help in planning the event. They also make it easier to budget because there is one price that covers most of wedding elements.

3. Set up online RSVP.

You could say we went minimalist with our invites – all we sent out was the wedding invitation and a small card with our wedding website address. Guests can then RSVP for the reception via the website. This cuts down on the postage (our invites, even with very heavy cardstock, only cost $0.45 each) and speeds up the reservation process. I’m not sure what Emily Post would say about this method, but I love how quick and easy online RSVP has been. FYI, we have our wedding website on weddingwire.com, and it has an RSVP app that is very simple to use.

4. Believe that your guests love you and support you, and that if something you do inadvertantly offend them or create an inconvenience for them, they will still love you and support you.

This means that if you cannot fit onto your guest everyone you want, trust that those people whom you care for but cannot invite will understand. This means that if you have your wedding on a Friday or even a Tuesday or Wednesday, trust that your guests will won’t think less of you. Maybe you will have fewer people attending, but the folks who can’t make it will send you their well wishes. Or maybe you, like me, will only serve a spinach salad for appetizer. Trust that your guests won’t think that you are misers too cheap to provide a choice of baby greens or arugula. Even if they hate spinach.

Or maybe you can’t afford to serve a sit-down meal at all and instead do a cake-and-champagne reception, believe that your guests will have a good time and celebrate with you anyway. Or, maybe you, like us, are having only a honeymoon registry. Trust, like I am, that guests know that absence of a traditional registry does not indicate money-grubbing etiquette-less behavior, and that every gift – on registry or off – will be appreciated.

5. Care less.

Does a river try to break apart the rocks in its path? No, it flows round them. Is this a zen koan? No, I made it up myself.

But nonetheless! The principle applies: sometimes you can’t change things – you don’t have the money, you don’t have the time, you don’t have the power. Instead of stewing over this fact or getting angry, change what you can: your reaction. Put more succinctly: care less.

An example: CB’s wedding party won’t be in matching suits. We decided to ask his party to just get gray suits – and this way they can wear something they already have or choose something that fits their budget. Would I like them to wear matching outfits and coordinating ties? Well, yes. Aethestically, that would make a more pleasing composition. But I don’t want to put that kind of financial burden on them. And so my solution is… care less!

(It’s a little hard to believe I am getting married in a month. If you had told me, way back when I was 17, that I was going to marry the cute boy I had met after class, I would have thought you were crazy. Life is funny. And right now, it’s pretty great.)

Do you have any other tips to add?

Long Distance Relationship & Getting Ahead Financially

Written by WellHeeled on April 23, 2012 · 49 Comments

In an ideal world, I doubt many people would move 3,000 miles away from their husband or wife a month after saying their wedding vows. But in the real world, that’s the situation CB and I are faced with, a move can save us some serious cash. That makes me wonder: would you enter into a long-distance relationship with your significant other because of financial reasons? Minimizing loans, attending a better school, securing a job, or winning a bigger promotion are all admirable goals, but what if they can only happen if you commit to living apart for hundreds or thousands of miles?

Long distance relationships and marriages and becoming more common, to the point that the US Department of State has coined a new term, “geographic singles.” Another term is “commuter marriage” or “weekend marriage,” representing folks who work too far apart to see each other during the week. During tough economic times, many couples are willing to live apart for a paycheck. Then there are the super LDRers who engage in transcontinental relationships and arrange for romantic weekends in Europe when one partner lives in the U.S. and another lives in Asia.

CB and I have always knew that a long-distance marriage would be in our future, for at least a few years. But we are now considering going from same-coast long distance (2 hour direct flight) to opposite-coast long distance (6 hour flight + layover = 8+ hours of travel). This is a move that could save us up to $50,000 in students loans. Is NOT having to repay $50,000 in loans (which would cost us $60,000 of net income once taxes and interest are factored in) worth putting 3,000 miles between the two of us for a year?

Long distance relationships and getting ahead financially: would you do it sometimes, always, or never?

Our $7,000 Wedding Budget… In Color!

Written by WellHeeled on April 9, 2012 · 34 Comments

I’ve gotten several comments on our proposed sub-$10,000 wedding budget. Originally, I had wanted to wait until after the wedding to write about it in more detail, because how embarassing would it be if we just blew it during the last few days? Now that we are two months from the Big Day and have already paid for several items, however, I have a much better idea of how much things are going to cost (and weddings, unless you elope, will probably end up costing more than any other one day in your life. I have made peace with that).

So I present… our $7,000 wedding budget spreadsheet

The Budget column shows our best estimate of how much things will cost. The Paid To Date and Expense Complete? columns help us see where we still need to spend. A few notes:

The wedding is in an extremely expensive part of California in June, therefore we are not saving any money on the area or date (although we are on the time – more on that later).
There are two items that I haven’t decided on yet: videography and guest favors, but I have included them in the spreadsheet just in case.
Also, the readers who told me that my guest list will expand – you guys are right. When we first started planning, we were working with a tiny guest list of just 20-25. Then I realized there are close friends that we really wanted to come, and 25 became 40 – the max our venue will hold!

I am happy with the way the budget is taking shape. In fact, we have a good chance to coming in around or even under the $7,000 mark. When I started planning the wedding, I used a combination of “bottom-up” and “top-down” approach. We set $10,000 was our absolute limit, and then I looked around at the individual components to see where we can trim some dollars. The wedding percentage rules-of-thumb can be helpful, but I didn’t hew too closely to that. Case in point: I’ve seen several websites that suggest brides allocate 10% of their total budget to flowers. I adore peonies, but there is no way I can spend $700 on flowers.

We wanted to minimize stress and reduce cost

I knew early on that I was not going to try to have a “$20,000 wedding on a $7,000 budget.” Mad props to brides who can do that, but that just screamed STRESS to me. And all of our stress-bearing capabilities were spent on graduate school applications and work.

We looked for spaces where we’d need minimal decor and where we wouldn’t have to deal with rentals. Our ceremony venue came with seating (yes!) and is indoors (double yes!). After our daytime ceremony, our lunch reception will be held at a restaurant a short drive away. Therefore, we can get by with less alcohol, our meals are 30% lower than a comparable dinner menu, and we will not need a separate caterer. We do have to order wine directly from the restaurant’s wine menu (at a significant markup and starting at $30/bottle), but hey, we’ve all gotta make money somehow. So I don’t begrudge the restaurant that.
You’ll notice that we don’t have dancing in the budget – and we won’t have it at the actual wedding either. In an ideal world, we would have included it, but cutting out the dance portion allowed us to have a reception at that particular restaurant.
Originally, I was going to order a cake from a well-regarded bakery, but the owner refused to sell me a regular cake after she found out I was having a wedding. So I said “forget her!” Now we plan to buy several “normal” sized cakes from a local shop, so we can get more flavors and feed the same amount of people for less.
Bride & groom attire ate up more of our budget than I thought it would… but in the end I’m comfortable with how much we’re spending. Although I got my wedding dress at retail price, I shopped around for a deal on alterations and found a tiny neighborhood tailor who hemmed and tucked for $100. CB got an excellent Brooks Brothers suit that he can wear for years to come, for 50% off.
We actually found our photographer on Craigslist. Her pricing is low – $850 for 4 hours of coverage and full user rights – because she was just starting out when we booked her. It’s always a risk signing an up-and-coming vendor, but I really loved her portfolio, she was super responsive, and CB and I both liked her when we chatted on Skype. With a sub-$1,000 photography budget, I wasn’t going to hire an established, experienced photographer. We had to be comfortable with the fact that we have a newish photographer (although in the year since we booked her she has shot 10+ more weddings), but the savings are really substantial. I’ll let you guys know how the pictures turn out.

Some line items look really low… did you think about and ?

Probably. But please let me know if you think there’s something we forgot. A few notes:

We are not spending any money on stationery - a family friend is officiating our wedding as well as providing the invitations as his gift. We’ll be getting gorgeous letterpress on expensive card stock! The $25 is the cost of our stamps to send the invitations. We did not budget for pre-stamped RSVP envelopes because we’ll be having an online RSVP on our (free) wedding website instead. Is this a faux pas? Maybe… but don’t tell us that!
For the vases and cakestands, I purchased a few items from the local Goodwill, and my future mother-in-law borrowed a bunch of milkglass from her friend, so that makes up the bulk of our centerpieces. We are heading to a flower market for our flowers, and I’ve pretty much given up on a floral “vision” – only that I’d like to have blush-colored and light-pink flowers. Peonies would be nice, but so would roses, lilies, carnations, or flowers whose names I don’t know but would fit the look and the budget.
For wedding bands, we decided to with tungsten for him and a simple sterling silver or CZ band for her. It’s not supposed to last forever (talking about the ring, not the marriage, of course), so I wouldn’t mind waiting for few years before I get a platinum band to go with my engagement ring. It’s just not in the budget right now.
If we do go with wedding favors, I’m thinking of simple packages of madeleine cookies that I can pick up at the local bakery. I have talked to a college film student about videotaping our wedding, but he seems a little flaky so I’m not setting my heart on that. That’s why it’s still undecided.

I’m getting almost everything I wanted out of my wedding

The funny thing is that $7,000 is considered a budget wedding in Wedding World, but I don’t feel deprived. And NOT just in a Pollyannaish I-am-marrying-my-love-and-that’s-what-makes-it-perfect kind of way. Our budget removed certain choices, i.e., an evening reception, dancing, designer dress, etc., but I didn’t truly want those things, or at least I didn’t want them more than I wanted the money saved in bypassing those things. My parents are giving me $10,000 as a gift for the wedding, and so whatever we don’t spend I can use to fund graduate school costs.

You could say I managed my own expectations pretty well. So maybe that is the key to having the wedding you want at the budget you have. Just lower your expectations (or increase your budget!). ;-) Seriously, though, I got a really good deal, and I’m not just talking about money.

After all, I am having my ceremony at the place that I’ve dreamed of ever since before I got engaged. The food and cakes will be delicious. I bought a beautiful lace gown that I could afford even at retail price and CB got the suit that he absolutely loved. And we have friends who are flying from across the country and the world to celebrate with us. Bottom line, my budget is allowing me to get almost everything I want out of my wedding. That’s not the case for every bride, so I do feel very lucky.

Suggestions, questions, and comments welcome on this wedding budget!

By the Numbers: One Example of a Chinese Middle Class Wedding

Written by WellHeeled on March 6, 2012 · 19 Comments

One of my cousins got married a few weekends ago. Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough vacation days to attend her wedding in Southern China, but I was able to glean some details from my mom to share with you all. So behold, this is one example of a wedding in China.

Photography

Wedding photography in China is a fascinating topic. Instead of hiring a photographer to capture the events of the wedding day (indeed, the much vaunted “photojournalistic style” has swept the wedding world here in the U.S.), in China, bride and grooms take their wedding pictures several weeks or even months ahead of time. The wedding session takes an entire day with several change of locale, numerous changes of outfits, makeup artists on site, wind-machines, and even a computer guy to airbrush on-the-spot. My cousin and her groom lounged as 18th century prince and princess in a Rococo foyer, posed with a bicycle against the backdrop of a rolling meadow, and posed in outfits a la fashionable folks in 1920s Shanghai Bund. And that’s just the few pictures she sent me!

Photography typically costs $500-$3,000, depending on how many poses you want, how many prints you order, and how elaborate your sets are. There is also a professional photographer at the venue on the day of the wedding, but that expense is a small one compared to the actual “wedding photography package.”

Reception / Dining

Dancing is typically not a part of a Chinese wedding reception, instead, guests are treated to the bride & groom (and sometimes the bridal party) participating in games as entertainment. My cousin entered the room in a carriage decorated with flowers and branches, and then there were pouring of the champagne and first sips as husband and wife. There were 29 tables with 10-15 people per table. According to tradition, the groom’s family invites one more table than the bride’s family. Each table was around RMB 3,500 or $600, so the entire reception comes out to around $17,400.

In the U.S., tradition says that the bride’s family should pay for the majority of wedding expenses. In China, the situation is reversed. The groom’s family is responsible for the costs. Indeed, the groom’s family is also traditionally responsible for buying a house for the newlyweds. A young man’s eligibility may well depend on the ability of his parents to purchase and furnish a home, or at least to put down the bulk of the purchase price (financing / loans in China is becoming more common, but many familys still pay cash for their homes).

Wedding Gown(s)

The bride had three changes of outfits during the wedding/reception. One: a classic, strapless white ballgown, two: a red Chinese-style outfit with an embroidered top and skirt, and three: a red qipao or cheongsam, a very fasionable, very unforgiving gown. It’s quite inexpensive to get clothes made in China, especially if you avoid designer names, so I’d venture to guess that these three outfits cost her around $500 total.

The groom had a few changes of outfits as well (although my mom and I naturally did not delve into the particulars of his dress as much as we did my cousin). He wore a white suit when my cousin wore her ballgown, and when she changed into her traditional Chinese gowns I assume he wore a coordinated dress as well. Again, clothing is cheap in China, so his outfits were probably less than $500.

Wedding Gifts

There is no tradition of gift registry in China. Instead, guests give cold card cash in a red envelope (like the kind they give at Chinese New Year). Typically, the bride and groom would “make back” in gift money what they (or their parents) spend on hosting the wedding. Another cousin got married last year, and I think he got something like $10,000 or $15,000 in gifts. This might sound like fun and games… until they are invited to the guests’ wedding! Then the act of reciprocation must occur. In fact, some people have gone so far to refer to wedding invitations as “red bombs” because of the money-giving obligation that acceptance demands.

Save vs. Splurge for Wedding Night Hotel

Written by WellHeeled on January 26, 2012 · 24 Comments

What do you do when you realized that you picked a really popular area to get married during the start of the tourist high season? I find myself in that position, as I scour the interwebs for a hotel for our wedding night / mini-moon. It turns out that Santa Barbara - one of my favorite cities in the summer, while a lovely place to get married, is also extremely pricey if you want to stay in a nice hotel to celebrate the start of that marriage. All the hotels and bed-and-breakfasts that come highly-rated cost at least $250+ a night, plus taxes and fees. The places that are a little cheaper, at between $150-$200, have some fairly uncharitable reviews that give me pause. There are some lower-end motels or hotels that are around $150, but I am not THAT frugal.

Still, as much as I enjoy a luxury hotel stay (I do), and as much as I understand that weddings / honeymoons are probably not a time to skimp on accomodations (I do), it pains me to think about spending $300+ when I’ve stayed at gorgeous properties for half that price. On the one hand, I suppose it’s better to just spend a little extra to guarantee a good experience, but on the other hand, it’s so much money. Thus began an internal battle between the personal finance blogger and the bride-to-be.

But then, inspiration! I started looking outside Santa Barbara… and found that by staying in a seaside town a few hours north instead of the seaside town where we are getting married, we will save up to $100/night for a hotel of comparable quality. Instead of $250/night, we can pay $150/night. Three nights stay means a saving of $300, which will be enough to pay for some horseback riding, a nice dinner, and event a jaunt to the Hearst Castle. So here’s our plan: after our day-time wedding, we are going to drive up the Pacific Coast Highway and check into our hotel for a 3-day mini-moon before our official honeymoon to Buenos Aires the week after.

What would you have done in my case? How much would you spend (or have spent) on your wedding/honeymoon hotels?

Seeking: Words of Wisdom for Newlyweds

Written by WellHeeled on January 18, 2012 · 21 Comments

Most of the folks in the personal finance blogosphere have probably heard about J.D.’s announcement on Get Rich Slowly. At last view, the post had over 350 comments. I don’t have anything of value to add, except to say that I wish the best for both J.D. and Kris, and also admit that I was caught off guard by how heavily this news hit me.

I am getting married in June. I said yes to the dress and CB got his ring and we are planning out our honeymoon. On our wedding website, I talked of us embarking on this “grand adventure called marriage” together. Then I realized, this institution / commitment / relationship called ”marriage” is an adventure… in a strange land that we have never been to. We talk about what we think it will be like, what the terrain may be, the hills and valleys. We have some maps, but we don’t know how accurate those maps are or whether new obstacles will sprout in the future, blocking off roads that we thought we can navigate. We have a compass, but that compass might break or be lost on the way. We’ve heard others’ stories about their journey to that strange land, but we know that while the same wind, streams, and animals may exist for us, but their presence or dissappearance will be one we have to experience on our own.

So, there is a lot of excitement about this adventure together. But there is trepeditation as well. Not of who we are now, or how we feel about each other now, or our commitment now, but of who we will be in 10 years, 25 years, 50 years. Who we will become. How we feel about each other then. Our commitment through trials that we have not yet experienced and indeed, probably have not even foreseen. There are many studies out there on the financial consequences of divorce. And as this is a personal finance blog that might be what I should talk about. But money is money – it’s just money – I have confidence in myself that I can make enough. Love, trust, a shared sense of history – that’s a whole another thing. That’s what I am afraid to lose to an unhealthy marriage or a divorce.

My fiance and I met ten years ago in high school, and we have certainly changed during those ten years. I have no doubt we will change during the decades to come. In fact, two months after we get married I will be starting my MBA program and CB will likely be in another graduate school program in another state. People change, goals change, health and finances change, distances change. What we want out of life might change. How do we grow together and not apart?

I’d like my readers, especially those of you who have been in long marriages or have reconciled from conflict or separation, to impart some words of wisdom for this pair of soon-to-be-newlyweds.

Do We Need a Prenup? 7 Questions You Should Ask Yourself

Written by WellHeeled on November 23, 2011 · 24 Comments

Do we need a prenup?

Kevin at Thousandaire would say yes! (and in video form, too). Before I actually got engaged, I was a big proponent of prenuptial agreements. Throughout my childhood and teens, I’ve witnessed some rather unhappy marriages (fortunately, not my parents’). So I was quite hung-ho on getting a prenup and defining the financial terms if my marriage were to end. Well, now I am engaged to the man I’ve known for 10+ years, a supporter, a friend, a confidant, a partner. We are getting married in 8 months. Drafting an enforceable prenuptial agreement in California will cost thousands of dollars even for just-starting-out folks like us. Suddenly the issue is less theoretical and more practical. I still think that a prenup is important for many people with more assets, but we aren’t rich. In fact, we are going to be broke grad school students pretty soon. So, is a prenup for us?

7 questions to ask when you ask yourself “Do we need a prenup?”:

What does your state law say (and do you agree with it)? In 41 states, assets are split via “equitable distribution.” In 9 community property states (California included), everything acquired during the marriage is automatically split 50/50 if the marriage ends.
Do you have substantial assets or expect to come into substantial assets in the future? Bottom line, I don’t think we’re rich enough for a prenup. No millions in the bank, no ownership in businesses, no stock options at hot startups. Our career salary trajectories are roughly similar, and while I make more money now, either one of us has the potential to out-earn the other in the future.
Do you agree with splitting assets acquired during marriage 50/50 if you split up? Both of us agree that all assets we acquire during the course of the marriage – outside of inheritance – should be split 50/50 if we were to get divorced. I am more likely to receive an inheritance in the future. If I were to receive an inheritance, however, it would likely be structured in a trust and so would remain separate, not community, property. A prenup can reaffirm that separation, but it’s not critical.
Do you have similar levels of debt? We are coming in with roughly equal amounts of student loans.
Do you have children? Is this your second or third marriage? This doesn’t apply to us, but I’ve read that a prenup is exceedingly helpful for protecting the interests of children in a remarriage.
Do you want to have provisions where assets distributions are used to punish infidelity? If you want to make sure that your spouse’s share goes from 50% to 10% (or 0%), if he/she cheats, then a prenup is necessary. Cheating is so prevalent nowadays that courts don’t really look upon that as a consideration in terms of determining asset splits. Be sure to define what constitutes infidelity and what level of evidence is necessary. That must be a fun conversation.
Do you plan to have one person stay at home with the kids? Do you want to figure out the terms of alimony? Some people say that if one person leaves the workforce to take care of kids at home, it’s best not to have a prenup or to have a prenup that says assets will be split 50/50 (to protect the interest of the stay-at-home parent).

Our decision

The bottom line for us is, for the duration of the marriage -which is hopefully forever- we see whatever money we make as “our” money, no matter if he makes more or I make more. Furthermore, I cannot imagine CB behaving in an dishonorable manner. I’d like to think I would never behave that way either. I love him for his humor, his good looks, his kindness and quirks. But almost above all I love him for his character – he would have to become a whole different person for him to become bitter and spiteful. (Though of course, the nature of divorce means that people have changed, and often into someone unrecognizable to the other).

So, I don’t think we are going to get a prenup. Given all of the above considerations, I’d probably take the money we would have spent on a prenup and spend it on a big vacation instead! I hope our marriages lasts and lasts until one of us is called to the Big Gathering Place In The Sky. But baring that, I trust that we will both try our hardest to remain civil and amicable even if we were to separate. I believe we will be good partners to each other, and if we fail at that, I believe we can be good ex-spouses. It’s probably not a terribly romantic way of arriving at what is the “more-romantic” decision to not have a prenup, but it works for us.

Would you sign a prenup? I’d love to hear from anyone who has gotten a prenup or who has considered one, especially if you don’t have millions in the bank!

Blogging About Personal Finance When You Are Married

Written by WellHeeled on October 10, 2011 · 20 Comments

In 8 months, I’ll be tying the knot. Jumping the broom. Getting hitched. Taking the plunge.

Getting married changes many things. For example, once CB and I get married, I will be able to (1) file taxes jointly, (2) make healthcare decisions for him if he should become incapacitated, and (3) invoke my spousal privilege to prevent CB from testifying against me in court. Aside from these new rights and responsibilities, getting married may also change the way I blog about personal finance. I am debating how to continue talking about personal finances in a meaningful way while respecting my future husband’s privacy and his level of comfort with putting our financial information online.

I’ve been writing WellHeeledBlog.com since 2006 – wow, it HAS been five years already! I have been in a committed relationship all through that period, but as a single gal my money has always been mine. I was only responsible for my own income, expenses, debts, and financial goals. Apparently, now that I am getting married, I cannot think of just myself any longer. It’s going to be our money, our expenses, our debts, our financial goals. Even though we will likely keep our individual accounts, California is a community property state. Thus, everything earned, incurred, and saved during a marriage is divided 50/50, with a few exceptions, no matter what name’s on the account.

So, how will getting married affect my blogging? Here are a few ways I can go about it:

Stop blogging entirely. Now, CB actually thinks it’s pretty cool that I blog (and that I actually make a little bit of money – which then goes into our joint travel funds!). In fact, he has helped me run backups and troubleshoot when I needed it. But I imagine that there must have been spouses of personal finance bloggers -or really, any type of blogger- who are not comfortable with them putting information online. How to respond in this situation? Whose opinion take precedence? Does the person with the stronger opinion get his/her way?
I can go on blogging about only my income, expenses and goals, as I have been doing right now. CB and his finances will remain in the shadows. Pro: I get to keep on blogging as I always have been while respecting CB’s privacy. Con: all the blogging inspiration from our newly created household – wasted! This might be a fair compromise if CB isn’t comfortable with me sharing his finances, but…
Ideally, I’d like to blog about our money as a joint entity. Pro: I would be talking about the full picture of our household, while our individual incomes would remain private. Part of the reason why I blog is to keep myself accountable and keep track of progress towards financial goals, so it makes sense that it should reflect an accounting of our resources and goals. Con: ~~CB becomes so interested in personal finance blogging that he builds a rival site, stops taking me out to eat, and forbids me from buying dresses~~ can’t think of any.

Well, I guess you know what direction I’m leaning towards. We are going to talk about this and hopefully he won’t object to the last and best option.

Other married or bloggers in committed relationships, how did you tackle this topic? Do you blog about your money or do you blog about your combined finances? And here’s the big question: would you stop blogging if your partner asked you to?

How Engagement Changed Our Finances

Written by WellHeeled on September 5, 2011 · 14 Comments

Engagement is that strange, twilight period where you are still single in the eyes of the law, but that you have made promises to each other to become something more – a legally sanctioned partnership with all the rights and obligations accorded to you by the state. I am not sure how much impact an engagement has on most couples’ finances, but even though CB and I won’t be getting married until next June, the act of getting engaged, I feel, have already changed the way we look at our finances:

I usually carry a small life insurance policy provided through my employer. In years past, I have always designated my mom as my beneficiary. During the most recent open enrollment, however, I put down CB’s name. I don’t know when CB started putting my name down as his beneficiary, but that apparently happened before my enrollment period.
CB has a few thousand dollars in student loans from undergraduate years. I feel much more motivated now to figure out how we can pay off this debt before we go to graduate school, even though it’s not technically my loan. I know that whatever debt we have, even though they are individual loans, will affect our financial resources as a couple.
We have stopped keeping very close track of who pays for what or how proportionally split our expenditures are. If I feel that he has been picking up a lot of the tabs lately, I’ll pay for our flights for a get away or the next Costco run.
I’ve never thought I’d want a 100% combined finances set-up, but I am beginning to change my mind. The sense of partnership – of being in this together, with someone whom you do not have to calculate with or account for – is very appealing indeed. So I suppose being engaged, and really appreciating the feeling of shared resources, shared opportunities, shared goals makes me seriously think about combining finances once we are married.

Has engagement changed (or do you think it will change) your finances and attitudes toward shared finances?

Wedding Planning – Expenses So Far

Written by WellHeeled on August 26, 2011 · 22 Comments

After finally settling on a wedding date in June 2012 and deciding on a small wedding with a guest list of 30 or so, I started signing contracts and putting down deposits. Here are the costs so far:

Ceremony site: $240.

We are getting married in a public building. Because all the venue has incredible architectural details and built-in seating, we don’t need any decorations or chair rentals. In fact, we might even get some of this money back if we leave the site in good condition. I have wanted to get married at this place even before I got engaged, and may have even looked up how much it would cost.

Photography (50% deposit): $425.

I actually found my photographer via an ad I posted on Craigslist. We loved her portfolio, had a great Skype meeting with her, and booked her for 4 hours. She recently started doing wedding photography full-time and has a beautiful blend of photojournalistic and portrait pictures. This lady is going jump out of our price range very soon, if she hasn’t already. I know it can be hit or miss finding someone on Craigslist, but I wouldn’t have booked her if I didn’t do my due diligence, so I am hopeful that things go well.

Wedding dress: $66 including tax!

While I was wandering around a Nordstrom Rack 10 minutes before closing, I spied a long column of ivory lace. It was a completely spur of the moment purchase, but when I tried it on at home, I saw that it fits really well. It satisfies all of my criteria: it’s lace, it’s ~~budget-friendly~~ (all right, downright cheap!), and, if I may say so myself, it’s quite flattering. This material is also light weight, which was important to me because I want to be able to navigate easily from my seat to the cake table.

Restaurant reception deposit: $500.

This fee is applicable towards the price of food and drinks at the reception. It’s a quaint French place, and normally those places aren’t exactly to CB’s taste, but he really liked the meal we had here so we booked as well. I was won over when I saw coq au vin on the menu.

Running total: $1,231

Now that all the important vendors and sites have been secured, and I have a rough budget in mind (under $6,000), I am feeling so much better about this whole process. I can tell that we’ve underestimated certain items – $1,200 for food and drinks won’t cut it, but we are saving on other things so I hope it will all balance out. Sometimes, I find my attention drifting towards what type of flowers I’d like have to what cakes we are going to bring for the dessert table. So, I suppose, wedding planning can be (kind of) fun.

Gold Makes a Marriage?

Written by WellHeeled on May 31, 2011 · 9 Comments

Last week, CB’s mom very nicely put together a little relaxing kit for me and included a copy of Martha Stewart Weddings. Inside I saw a full-page ad sponsored by the World Gold Council that says:

Gold Makes a Marriage. Honor your love with the metal that’s meant marriage since marriage began.

Immediately I thought of the fact that we will not be having gold wedding bands for our marriage. In fact, our budget means that our rings, for now, will likely be stainless steel (CB thinks I’m half-joking… but… I’m not).

I am obviously not against precious metals, as I have a platinum engagement ring. I am also not offended or outraged, because it’s just an advertisement, and because many other materials (among them, diamonds, white dresses, flowers, cakes, etc.) have come to be advertised as the symbol of love, marriage, destiny, forevermore amen.

But the first thing I thought when I saw the advertisement was that marriage started as an socio-economic contract (and in many ways one can argue it retains those characteristics), and that gold was a very important aspect of a marriage. It had less to do with honoring one’s “love” and everything to do with securing a dowry or melding two family’s fortunes.

I don’t know if gold makes a marriage, but gold has certainly made marriages.

Image credit: Alexandre Breveglieri via Flickr

The Engagement Ring: Do you know how much he spent?

Written by WellHeeled on April 28, 2011 · 82 Comments

CB and I are pretty open about our finances. We share our goals and make saving a big priority. I have learned, however, that openness has a limit – CB absolutely refuses to tell me how much he spent on my engagement ring.

Okay one more ring shot! (I actually can’t wear the ring yet because it has to be resized and insured. So please indulge me my pictures.)

On the one hand, I’m really curious – and a little scared – of how much he spent. On the other hand, I am also relieved because I can just go on enjoying my beautiful ring without feeling like we should have saved the money for something else.

Here’s what I do know: CB got the ring at Costco – woohoo! – and that the price fit into his budget and he paid for the ring with cash. That makes me happy. He drove to Costcos all over town trying to find something that he knew I’d like but that he also found pretty (I wouldn’t say that we have the exact same taste when it comes to rings). The fact that he put so much time and energy into picking out a ring that I love, all by himself, makes me very happy.

I’ve talked about my interest in nontraditional engagement rings. I had thought that we were picking out my ring together, so when I was looking at rings I concentrated on mostly moissanite and gemstone rings under the $1,000 mark. We share our goals and make saving a big priority, whether buying gifts, doing a free IRS efile, or grocery shopping, but on this point CB is a being a traditionalist and keeping mum about the price.

So, I feel a little guilty about the money. But call me a hypocrite because, well, I adore my very traditional diamond engagement ring. I love the bezel setting. The milligrain edging. The pave diamonds. I’ve never worn a diamond before, and wow, does it sparkle. In fact, I love this ring so much that I have decided I will keep it as my only ring. It can double as my wedding band. Plus, no need to buy an additional ring.

Ladies, do you know how much your ring cost? Do you WANT to know? Also, does anyone wear only their engagement ring, no wedding band?

Smiles

Written by WellHeeled on April 26, 2011 · 68 Comments

I just had one of those really really fun and happy weekends. CB and I went for a little getaway in lovely San Diego (aka future retirement site). We booked ourselves a room at a bed & breakfast housed in a wonderfully restored 19th century Victoria mansion.

Then we spent the day at the Balboa Park, where we went to see the All That Glitters jewelry exhibition at the Natural History Museum. Did you know that California’s state gem is the benitoite? It is a rare blue gemstone that is only found in San Benito County, CA.

The next morning CB and I woke up early, watched a few episodes of HGTV from our bed, then sauntered downstairs to the dining room. We were served a delicious breakfast of tea, scones, poached eggs, and bacon (I know, my detox? so NOT going well). Then CB suggested we take a walk around the small garden out back.

We walked around for a bit. Then CB told me to walk up the stairs to go inside. When I turned around, CB was on one knee, holding up something shiny. He asked, and I said YES! We hugged and he made me say yes again before he gave me the engagement ring. He said he wanted to hear me say yes one more time.

Coupled Up = Money in the Bank

Written by WellHeeled on April 18, 2011 · 13 Comments

Are there financial benefits to being in a relationship?

Globe and Mail recently came out with an article about the true cost of being a singleton. (By the way, I just recently discovered Globe and Mail. I love it!). It seems a little unfair to me how the world is structured for couples, but I will take my breaks where ever I can get them.

I do think there is a slight distinction in between in a relationship and living together vs. being in a relationship and living apart. Most of the benefits accrued to coupled people are because they live together, in fact, as anyone in a long-distance relationship will tell you, being in love and apart can get expensive, fast.

Since CB and I started living together, here are the few ways that our relationship has saved me money.

Living expenses

In the few years since I graduated college, I have gone through several living arrangements. I’ve lived with a roommate, lived by myself, and now am sharing an apartment with a significant other. Living with CB means that we can split the groceries, DSL, utilities, and rent. I am paying about $300 less than I would be if I were to live alone. The biggest benefit I see to cohabitation is the fact that two married / partnered people can live in a studio or one-bedroom apartment, an arrangement that wouldn’t be possible with roommates. A one-bedroom apartment is quite a bit cheaper than a two-bedroom. There’s also the sharing of resources that occurs: two people living together don’t need two separate internet connections or Netflix accounts or cable subscriptions.

We made the decision to live together because it made sense for our relationship (I think most people would agree that moving in solely for financial reasons isn’t the best idea), but it’s a big perk that living together is so good for our budgets.

Travel

One of the best things about coupling up, I think, is that you will always have a good travel buddy. Given how busy everyone is, I have a hard enough time scheduling dinners with my friends. It’d be 1000x more difficult to plan a big, expensive trip that matches everyone’s tastes and schedules (I am still a little sad that our girls’ cruise 2009 never happened). I can travel alone, but I’m the kind of person where I’d have much more fun and I’d feel safer if I am going with someone else. Plus, if I go on a big trip by myself, it would be very, very expensive.

The dreaded single supplement is alive and well. Most travel prices are quoted with double occupancy, which means that if I were to go alone, my best choices are to hope for a good roommate or to fork over the extra dough for a private room. The Galapagos cruise we are saving up for, for example, costs around $4,000-$5,000 per person. A single supplement would add another $1,000 to the total price.

Food

I actually am not sure if I am saving money in this regard, but if I cook more, I can buy in bulk. It doesn’t cost double the price to cook for two people than it does for one. I will admit that being in a relationship has prompted me to eat out more though – there’s always a willing dining buddy in CB!

Personal Care & Grooming

A few months ago I wrote about a lady who spends $10,000+ a year on dating and related purchases. So I don’t have that pressure of looking fabulous every single minute of every day – which I take advantage of, liberally (sorry CB!). Still, I’m pretty sure that my personal care and grooming expenses are what they would be if I were single. Most of the “beautifying” things I do (facials, pretty dresses, lipstick) are for myself – because, well, I want to look good! And this might not be politic to admit, but I hope CB never thinks I’ve “let myself go,” so I try to do what I can to look moderately attractive for us both. At least a few days a week!

But I don’t spend $10K on dating activities when I’m coupled, and I don’t foresee increasing my “dating budget” much even if I were single (although, to be honest, I would probably spring for an online dating membership).

Gifts

This is an area where being in a relationship definitely costs couples more. Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, etc., all these holidays and “milestone” occasions add up, also, don’t forget the “just because” gifts that can add to the relationship goodwill. But, in the case of giving gifts to a 3rd party, I suppose couples have the opportunity to go dutch on a gift, effectively splitting the cost in half.

Do you think it’s cheaper being a couple than being single? Any other costs or perks that I’ve overlooked?

Photo credit: Miss Claeson via Flickr