In 2008, Lori Gottlieb wrote a fairly incendiary article in The Atlantic called Marry Him! The Case For Settling. She has since parlayed that article into a book called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (which was also optioned for a movie by Warner Independent Pictures).

From her Atlantic article:

My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)

First of all – who is Lori Gottlieb to say that balancing the checkbook (and by extension, personal finance,) is not invigorating and fun?!

But all joking aside – I found myself conflicted as I read this article. On the one hand, I agree that your priorities tend to change as you get older, and that if your stance if “I refuse to settle for anything less than perfection,” then, well, you’re probably going to end up disappointed. On the other hand, Lori Gottlieb makes such sweeping generalizations based on her very particular set of circumstances that she comes off, quite, well, rankling.

Lori Gottlieb seems to want a father for her child more than a husband (she became a single mother by choice in her late 30s/early 40s) – even though those are two roles often shared by the same man – it’s an important distinction. I think if a lady wants to have children, and she wants the father to live in the household and share in child-rearing, then that woman’s timeline for marriage may be very different from someone who does not want children. If someone is happy being childfree, then her timeline will be less constrained by biology.

But regardless if a person wants children or not, instead of exchanging a vision of Mr. or Ms. Perfect for Mr. or Ms. Good Enough, why not look for someone who is Mr. / Ms. Great For You?

If I find someone I love and respect, and he loves and respects me in return, and we are both attracted to each other, and find joy and laughter in each other’s company, and we agree on the broad contours of life (monogamy, children, religious beliefs), then I’ve hit the jackpot. I’ve found someone with whom to build a life and a future, and to say that I’ve settled is to spit in the face of romantic good fortune.

So I don’t call it settling if you’ve dreamed of a girl with red hair but ended up with a brunette or you’ve always wanted a man who is 6 feet tall but your beloved is 5’8″. It’s not settling if you wanted a movie star but ended up with an accountant. There is an ocean between falling in love with a flawed person (because, aren’t we all?) and having a relationship with someone who neither engages nor excites you (and, worse, with whom you always think you can do better), and I don’t think Lori Gottlieb explored that territory very well.

But my biggest problem with Lori Gottlieb’s piece, practically speaking, is this: if you think you are settling – even if the person you marry is smarter, cuter, wealthier, nicer, funnier (and whatever-er you want to add in there) than you are – you will act in such a way that says “I’ve settled.” You will try less, thank less, give less, and ultimately, receive less in this relationship.

It’s unhealthy to put your partner up on a pedestal – to expect infallibility from very fallible beings.  But those little moments of “how did I get so lucky?” is necessary in a happy relationship. Those moments push us to be a better partner and a better person. They help us get over the little hurts and perceived slights. I don’t want to commit my life to someone who looks at me day after day and think, “well, I guess she’ll do. But really, I deserve so much better than what she can give. ” Does anyone?

Getting married (i.e. entering in a complex legal and economic arrangement with another person with the expressed intention of being thus bound for life) when from the get-go you feel as if you’re settling strikes me as an uneasy proposition. I don’t think such a deal will work well for most people. I know it won’t work well for me.

image source: amazon.com